The little Yellow Plush Toy: Searching for Me's Baby, Part 3

Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans... and searching for a baby. In this, the part three of our now almost year and a half search for a human baby (well, let me tell you if I had a non homo sapiens it would kick some ass), we find... um... Me at a very interesting crossroad. Funny how ironic life can get, the more you plan for something, the more life throws you curve balls so you can try to keep up. I have learned from this experience that you cannot plan this. You cannot think ahead, you cannot draw how it's going to be.

I remember that I used to think that by this time I would have had my baby and not so, I'm still searching, but now something has happened. But first, I have to update you guys. So! The last time I wrote about this, we were just "starting" the more hardcore-doctor-oriented way to having a baby. I started popping pills left and right, started getting shots to get my system going more steady...

I start noticing that my doctor is very hands on. Very. She explains every single detail. This, while very educational, can be also very draining. You sometimes don't want to know every nuance of the process because you will then think about them with passion instead of just not knowing shit about what's happening. It seems when looking for a baby, it turned out that ignorance is bliss, in some weird way.

So everything is being explained to perfection. Nice. The nurse is very nurturing as well. Like a mother. Very cool! But... sometimes she does give me grief when I don't remember every single detail of dates of my cycles, dates when I needed to have a test done, etc. I suddenly start to dread going to the doctor because now I feel like I'm getting quizzed. But I don't notice how I'm feeling as a whole about this...

Fast forward to a small trip I had to do. I am with my boyfriend, having a laugh somewhere in Manhattan and suddenly my phone rings. It's my doc's nurse. I have to start a round of pills that sunday and I have to go to the doctor on October 28 in the morning, stat.

All I can remember is that I lost my way and got separated from him when I listened to my voicemail... and when he found me, I had teary eyes and felt all the weight of the process on me... he looked at me and he knew, for some strange reason, that it was about the baby and started hugging me. It's ok, he told me, let's take it slowly, don't let this get to you...

I did go to the doc, and when I sat down, I had a purpose. While she has the best intentions in the world, she also is going way too fast for us. She believes that I need to start on fertility drugs, we believe that we can do this on our own without any pills or more injections. We really do want to try to find our little baby, but in our own terms. So that means no pressure, no more tests. But we had to be responsible about this, so we gave ourselves a decent deadline.

We will give ourselves a decent time to try our best, the all natural way. If by the start of the new year we don't have any progress, it's injection time.

This process has taught me a lot. It has made us even more closer than ever, if that even is possible. It has made me understand that I am not invincible, that I do have feelings and that I cannot control every single detail and do things exactly how I want them. Impossible as it seems, I am now understanding that I am not the "Master of My Domain" like I want to think, that sometimes I cannot put so much pressure on myself and that it's ok if I don't deliver on my own goals. The baby will come when he or she wants to, not when I have scheduled it to come.

All I know after all this has happened is that I know that it's all going to be ok. How? At one point during that phone call weekend, after even how sad and anxious I felt about the doctor, the overwhelming pressure and I don't know what else... I was walking at a small toy store and gazed upon a very cute yellow plush toy.

I smiled and paid for it without thinking.

The little plush toy is not for me. It's for my baby.

I bought the first toy for my unborn baby. And it felt awesome.

What a long, strange trip it's been. I'll keep you posted. Love. Me.