If you can say that you love Christmas in every way, then I would have to retort that you take your bullshit somewhere else. Ok, ok. Christmas is kind of a decent holiday. I for one love buying presents and figuring out cool gifts for the people I love. I love getting my tree, playing some music and getting 'them balls in it. And the most important thing is, this is the month when people are semi-decent to each other and stop with the crap at least for a while.
But you cannot deny that there are some minor details that... well, they can annoy the shit out of you. Oh no? Well, I'll give you my list. Maybe you then realize how much stupid moments we have to endure during this month. If you have any more items, please add them up.
Here we go. In no particular order, here are my Five Christmas Pet Peeves:
1) Your Company Christmas Party!
Lord in heaven WHY oh WHY must I have to buy a dress and get all decent for a party of people I SEE EVERY FUCKING DAY? It's not that I enjoy team work and all that bullshit, but come on! Do we really have to go? All that ends up happening is: a) some people drink way too much and become the punchline of the next week; b) two people got frisky somewhere in the parking and they were not so secretive of that fact; c) your boss tried to hit on you. Again. I prefer Christmas lunches. Get in quick, eat, get the fuck out.
2) Working on Christmas Eve.
Another bullshit. This day should be free to all people. Most of us will have some sort of dinner and we're all working? Well, if you call it that. I've played poker with my creative friends, domino... ah the good old times. Working on this day is completely retarded. But then again, advertising would not suck if bosses wouldn't make us work that day, right?
3) Secret Santas.
No, I don't enjoy getting stupid little gifts during a whole month. In fact, I've seen you around my desk, so I know who you are. Just leave me alone, give me my Gift Card - the ultimate secret santa corporate gift - and let me go home to my family. No, I didn't send you any secret messages. Maybe you got the point that I give a shit about this tradition.
4) Going to the mall.
Ok people. This will be the single most important life suggestion I will ever do. You have hands, you have eyes, you have a computer... you have internet because you are reading this, right? So please, get your gifts online. There is a clusterfuck of websites that you can buy all the shit you want and get it delivered to your house! Do you really need to smell and touch every single item? Please, there are some of us who need to go to the mall for something else than gifts and would prefer not to be in line for hours. Thank you.
5) Tree lights don't twinkle anymore! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT?
This got me so sad and angry at the same time! I just bought my tree the other day and proceeded to get some christmas tree lights... and had THE SINGLE MOST WHAT THE FUCK MOMENT of ALL TIME: lights are now steady. No more twinkling, no more soft fades, no more nothing. All you get is on or off. Christ in heaven is pissed off. All is lost for hope for humanity. Non-twinkly trees are our reality. THIS SUCKS.
I can go on and on: getting gifts for people in your family that you rather not; family reunions that are more painful than a colonoscopy without the anesthesia; stupid email christmas cards... Yes. This and more is clear evidence that not everything is jolly when old Santa comes around.