Dear George Clooney... Part One.

Dear "Most Darn Handsome" man that walks the Earth, which I want to totally try to reproduce with;

Hi. *Blushing*. I'm Me. I'm what you would call your biggest fan, but without the psycho factor. Wait. Nope. I don't deserve the biggest fan title either. I don't live my life watching almost every movie you have made. In fact, let's just not talk about Batman and Robin. Just... let's not. I didn't watch you on that show that you were a doc...

Wait, wait. I did enjoy the Ocean series, the American Airlines flick, and you star in one of my favorite movies of all time, From Dusk 'til Dawn. Does that count for anything?

Nope? Ok. OK! So I'm your average fan. But I just find you so damn hot, my ovaries twitch a bit every time I see a photo of you. For me, my friend, that is enough to deserve the fan title. Moving on...

So what am I doing? This is a "two birds with one stone" idea. See, my blog needs some numbers. I need my 15 minutes of fame. If Perez Hilton got famous by drawing dicks on the photographs of celebrities' mouths... If Julie Powell got a movie made - with Meryl Streep by the way - while writing about Julia Child's book... Get the picture? Gimmicks get you places. Last night, some dude got his blog reviewed for 10 seconds on CNN. I bet he shit his pants and got amazing numbers that day.

(Oh lord. I cursed in a letter to George Clooney. *Sigh*.)

Yeah. Where was I? I need to do something so people notice our little corner of the internet. I needed a gimmick. So I plan to write you a letter from time to time, to tell you about my day, about work, about whatever comes to mind. This is Me. Reaching out with absolutely No hope whatsoever to the greatest example of a male homo sapiens that breathes and walks somewhere in the Planet Earth. Yes!

Will this work? Well, maybe someone somewhere finds this 'StumbleUpon-worthy". Maybe if I really go mental and write as much as I can and with most sexual innuendo possible, maybe it actually gets to you.

So GeorgieBoy. Me love you long time. Looking forward to writing you during the following months. Much love, Me.

Why I Love Flickr, Volume 3

"I'm on a horse." Brilliant.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

What was THAT?

WARNING. THERE ARE ACTUAL BOOBIES AT THE END OF THE VIDEO.

Damn turtles

Ask Joker #2

You ask.

I answer.

Simple.

Me asked: Have you ever packed up your things and almost left your job one day? What stopped you?

I've never gotten to the point of physically packing my things, but I have been on the verge of quitting on the spot twice in my life.

The first time the thought of not having a source of income while I'm helping support mom was the only thing that kept me from hurtling a stapler to the head of an ex boss. There can be tention on the job but once you begin disrespecting each other, nothing is the same. I'm happy to report I resigned two weeks later for a higher paying job.

The second time I didn't quit out of pride. At that very moment I didn't want to give that asshole the satisfaction of quitting because I couldn't deal with their mood swings, drama and overall inefficiency. This time it took longer, but I quit for a job that pays the same but has offered me a year and three months of professional satisfaction I didn't know could exist.

Ask Joker #1

It's simple.

You ask I answer.

Restrictionsapply asks: How would you describe the perfect job?

Most people would probably say that being able to do what they love would be enough of a job description, so let's take it a bit further and analyze the different aspects of what makes a job.

The pay

Ideally you want a job, a profession or a career that offers you enough capital to bring forth your life projects without having you living off the Ramen diet. For me, having a nice house, money to travel, and money to care for my family is obviously more than enough, but that can be anywhere form a quarter of a million dollars to who knows how much. All I know is that I don't need a fancy car, a twenty room mansion, a private jet or a wonder park.

The work environment (buildings, structures and work areas)

I don't need a half pipe to feel creative, I just need a place where my computer gives me minimal problems (I won't be ignorant enough to ask for a perfect computer because I'm cursed like that). Lighting should be as little fluorescent as possible because I seriously think those lights suck the soul out of your body. The chair doesn't have to be bliss but I shouldn't need a chiropractor because my employer is a cheap ass.

The environment (people and bosses)

No snakes. No assholes. No backstabbers. No leeches. As little dumbfucks as possible. When I use these words, don't consider people who you don't necessarilly like. We're not designed to like everyone and that's something most people don't get. I just need to be able to work with that person on a professional level. If they later want to rape wombats that's their problem but at the office, shit needs to get done.

The work

The perfect job means you don't get bored easily. The perfect job means you wake up and feel satisfied that your talents and your efforts will be put to good use. Anything less is far from perfect.

The hours

For me a decent work schedule is more than alright. By that I mean 8 hours, which I've never realistically had in my job but would allow me to do all the things I want to do in life.

The freedom

Above all else, I think the perfect job should work like a functional relationship. You shouldn't feel forced to go to the job. You shouldn't have to drag your sorry self to work. You should be able to get up and say let's go. No whining, no crying on your way to kinder. Apart from this the perfect job should above all else respect that you have dreams a life and loved ones and have to dedicate at least half as much time to those three facets of your life.

Five Really - REALLY - Bad Traits that Define: Me

Been a while since we've explored the finer five things in life, right? Well, the list of ideas keep on coming. This night, we're exploring our dark side. Yes. That place where we usually don't wanna go. The things that we really don't want to admit sometimes. The five worst traits that you have. Mine, I wear with pride. I have no qualms about telling the world how "low can I go". So, let's see what I can come up with without thinking and being extremely honest (isn't that the point of the series?):

Ladies and Ad men. In no particular order - because I couldn't place a number on them, the five Really Bad Traits that Define "Me":

1) I have a small amount of patience.
I give people two or three moments to annoy, anger, make an asshole of themselves or any other concept that they choose. But it is very short. It can average from 5 to 10 minutes. Then sarcasm comes pouring in me, and game over. Sorry. If it does't seem logic, have a strong argument or I just think I'm right, the patience will be gone in record time. I might kill you after my patience is gone. Ok. So maybe I don't actually kill you kill you. But in my mind, you're already Hannibal Lecter's appetizer, served by yours truly.

2) Don't get me angry. You wouldn't like me when I am angry.
I have been known to really lose it from time to time. As time and age have come by, I feel totally deserving to go really Medieval on someone's ass. I have stopped being scared about being and showing anger. Now... between you and me... I like how it feels. I release some extremely cool hormones in the process. The thing is, I always get angry 'cause I'm right. I can assure you, if I'm wrong, no point on being angry. Anger deserves well thought arguments. It is an art.

3) I strongly believe in vengeance.
This is kind of logical. Why? Let's put it this way. When you were a little kid, at some point you fought in school and got a black eye (yes, I sure did, and I'm a chick). Got home and what did your parents say? The next time someone hits you, you fight back. End of story.

4) I never give second opportunities.
Sad, right? Yeah. Fool me once, shame on you. Nope. You might think that for some people, the phrase ends on Fool me twice, shame on me. Fuck that shit. I just give you one opportunity, you screw it, I'm long gone. Sad thing is when I see people actually trying to make things work. While some people might think "jeez, that person is doing his/her best to win me over, I should give one more shot"... yada fucking yada.

5) While you are talking and arguing, I am already thinking ahead to many statements you will say and have the answer for all of them.
This is very hard to control, since it's in my nature. I'm sorry for that one. I'm such a control freak, I need to think like it's a chess game. While you are talking about moving a pawn, I already have my knight's horse is already fucking your bishop up the ass while the queen gave you the finger and is taping herself doing the nasty with some other king. This is the one bad trait that I wish I could stop doing, but honestly don't know how.

Jesus Christ. Um. Guys, this might look a tad bad but that's just because it's hard to see them all together. If you ask yourself this exact same question, and of course, answer honestly, you will get an awful list staring back at you. But you know what?

It was fun going there. Much love from the very honest Me.

Get your iPad NOW!!!

Refer your client to this chart the next time he wants a magazine ad.

Food for Thought

Image taken without permission from AlanaTaylor.com

If you wanted to ask me a question, what would you ask?

Ever wondered what type of reaction I might have to a question you have? Then by all means, ask the hell away.

Here's my email:

jokerwashere@gmail.com

Or you can just comment here.

I don't think we've ever openly asked for anyone to ask anything, but by all means, if you have a query, send it our way. Who knows, we might even entertain you.

Cheers

What I want

After getting cluster raped with work the last 3 weeks I've come to notice that I seek and actually find refuge in posts and freelance jobs, I resort to the company of the best partner life could offer me, I keep working to try and make the stupid work get deleted from my min, and I'm left with one simple question:

What the hell do I want from life?

What do any of us want from life? Does anyone have any clue of how to answer such a question? If you ask this to your next cubicle neighbor, what do you expect to hear? Is it something deep or will they offer some superficially disgusting answer such as I want stability, a steady job and the ability to have no worries?

Well guess what, no matter how much money you have, odds are that you will design your life to offer you problems and worries because in essence, conflict drives us. There's only so much peace and harmony we can take before we become nauseaus and demand something that's a challenge, or maybe that's just me trying to justify why I'm carpet bombed by jobs and how I couldn't enjoy peace and quiet for more than a little while. The problem is that I know that's bullshit.

You know what I want? Are you seriously slightly curious as to what drives a crazy blogger? Well here goes.

What do I want.................

I want a three day weekend. I want a job that offers me enough money up front that in record time I can retire to live the life I really want to live without widdling away the talent I sometimes think I have. I want to write for a living. And by writing I mean writing, I don't mean copywriting, I don't mean copy editing, I mean putting my mind to good use and writing something mildly original just to show that originality is not dead and that creative ideas don't have to depend on redesigning past ideas. I want to drink wine at noon. I want the liberty to call a sick day and stay at home watching shitty kung fu movies, girlie flicks and making love while the time widdles away. I want to go to the Burger King drive-thru, order a thirty dollar meal and drive off just to let them try and figure out what to do with thirty dollar's worth of shitty albeit disgustingly delicious food. I want to write a story where sentences are eight lines long. I want a day without revisions. I want a mint chocolate chip milkshake while watching webcam porn. I want to surf while people are working. I want to feel inspired by greatness and not by apathy, frustration or anger. I want something more for the people I seriously love in this life. I don't want to ever miss a movie in the theater. I want Moose Munch on tap. I want the chance to do yoga. I want my cake and to eat it too. I want a company program that rewards me with time rather than money. I want a world where people think rather than react. I want to work for people who are proactive rather than reactive. I want to have my book made into a movie. I want to write the script for 4 videogames. I want to have a meal with my favorite author, my favorite band, my favorite pornstar and my favorite dead person. I want to fly and by fly I mean Dragonball Z shit. I want to have a day without a conscience, without repercussions and with carte blanche to improve society as I see fit. I want marijuana legalized so people can forget about the other shitty drugs that are up for bids. I want a 2 year honeymoon followed by 3 years of studying abroad with Mrs. Joker. I don't want to dream about the lotto, I want to have the liberty to dream, design, and execute. I don't want what ifs, I want what else's in my life. I want to inspire rebellion and greatness. I want to inspire dischord and discourse. I want to make people think. I want to eclipse the sun just to feel toasty on my back. I want more wine. I want people to leave a gazillion comments on all our posts. I want people to get inspired to do something with their lives. I want to help dispell apathy. I want and I want, and I want some more and I don't ever want to stop wanting because I don't ever want to settle and I don't want any person who has ever read this blog to settle. You got to this blog for some weird reason. Maybe you were looking for goat porn and stumbled upon this post because of some old tag I once put on the site. I want you to read this and I want you to jack off thinking about goats and later do something great. And by the way... you know what else I want????????

Another glass of wine.

Cheers

Seriously, WHY THE FUCK DO I WORK

When I see a video as the one posted just above, I cringe. Not a little but a lot. I don't cringe because I didn't think of it beforehand. Well maybe a little. But that's not my main gripe with such financial "efforts". My gripe is that I work hard and am quite good at my job and some jackass who took a swimming pool noodle and put two mickey mouse gloves to wrap around your waist is going to have a house in Miami, one in Vermont and one in Bali while I'm making ends meet.

Just in case, this isn't necessarilly the voice of envy speaking, even though an envious tone might be taken since I see this and I think about how many pricks with a stupid idea make piles of cash while honest hard working good people don't know how they can pay for the electric bill. But that's the world we live in. Time after time the jackass that had more drive, a little bit of initiative and said "what the hell" succeeds. And that's not something to get pissed off about, it's something to applaud.

Think about it, only in America can genuinely stupid ideas generate capital. I'm not saying it's exclusive, I'm just saying the US does it quite well though I'm sure Japan has a slew of products you just have to wonder how they can cover expenses let alone make millions.

The jist of it all is that all it took was some bullshit idea, a patent and the will to give it a shot. What's holding you back from taking a stupid idea and making something of it. Who's to say something that's genuinely worthless can't be extremely valuable?

If you have naysayers, shoot them down, zone them out, IGNORE THEM. Your stupid idea is magnificent, it is great, it is a gold mine and it's waiting for you to go ahead and be somebody.

So what if you'll be on some lame Leno top Ten List, at least you'll be a meme, you'll be that stupid ass gift you gave someone as a joke, you'll be the different gift and consequently you'll be stinking rich rather than pondering the existential justification for the laboral mindfuck you've subjected yourself to. Be more than clerically excellent. Be stupid, have bravado, make more money than the president of your company and do it with a shitty idea... then and ONLY then will you be able to say I told you that you should have listened to my "stupid idea".

And in short:

Be all that you think you can't be.
Cheers.

Bitch better have my money.

Why I love Flickr, Volume 3

My cellphone is for... just talking?

Passive Agressive Notes RULE.

I just love this stuff. For more angry people, click at the name of the post.

Really Weird Album Covers

For more fucked up album covers, click the name of the post. My favorite is Something Special. Love it. LOVE IT!

The Finest Rendition of "The Final Countdown", ever.

What did I say, Baltimore?

Um. This video for some reason is the hit of the month, so... who's up for a rerun?

Still a winner after all these years.

For all my friends who like Superheroes...

Let's say what one more Goddamn time.

Like Locke would say: Don't tell me what I can't do

I miss Paris...

I'm not going to pay a lot for this Muffler.

Is this a documentary??? LOL

Why Oprah kicks my butt, every single day.

Sometimes I feel like an idiot when I watch Oprah. Truly. I feel like I deserve to be kicked in the ass by a 7 foot man. Why? Let me explain a bit.

Every single day, we find something to bitch about. Client moved the header 3 inches to the left and suddenly the artwork is all crooked... and we get angry. Supplier starts arguing with me about giving him an eighth of an inch bleed instead of a little bit more... and I get angry. My telephone service at the office starts giving me trouble... and we all get angry. The internet, that glory of service, suddenly breaks down. I think you can hear my screams at the IP company from down the street.

We whine about bad clients, bad coworkers, bad agencies. We bitch about getting home at 8pm. We whine that we don't get to go to the movies as much.

And then, I get home, finally. Turn my TiVo on and I play Oprah while I do the dishes and dinner. And in comes a little boy who lost his brother and is dealing with so much pain, he decided to make cupcakes to give for free in memory of him... Or the young woman who was looking for her foster parents that she loved so much and got taken away when she was five years old - and then I see the reunion... and I think... SHUT. UP. ME.

This is why I watch this program. Because sometimes during the week, there will be one story, one amazing story that will kick the shit out of reality for me and make me shut up about the little things. I do - we all do - live great lives. Yes, we work like assholes. Yes, we sometimes miss time with our friends and family.

But you know what? Some of us have the luxury of having them around. We are not living under extreme problems. While we might have bad days that get repeated quite often, our problems are NOTHING to most people out there. Out there, people are hungry. Poor. Lost. Addicted. Trying to change their sex. Changed their sex and are scared of telling their parents. Lost a child. Lost a sibling. Lost their house. Are terminally ill. Are going broke. Are millionaires but lonely... The list goes on and on.

So the next time you start getting angry about that little brief that came in Thursday night for the presentation on Monday... smile. That's nothing. Honestly.

Much love. Me.

Damn. I miss my School Choir.

Damn good idea, if you ask me.

Next Hurricane Season, I'm buying a shitload of Mountain Dew.

Glow In Dark Mountain Dew Bottle - Click here for the most popular videos

Spread a little hate all around the internet, will you?

Ok so look at your right, now your left. What's the big whoop? Well, since our share this button did not go that well, we're making things easier for you guys to share our rants and other stupid things that we post.

So. We go both ways, people. Yeah! We made sharing our little spot in internet hell very easy for you. Now, every time we post you will get two buttons that you can click, depending on which way you "socialize". While this might not be so hard core news for the über techie guys that read us, for normal people who are not that tech oriented and haven't noticed our little share button, this will help a lot!

We can go Facebook or Twitter on your ass. Well... technically you can go both ways here at WAS. We're literally begging now. Please, for the love of something holy: share us.

If you like the FB route, by all means, hit that share link. If you like to Tweet, chirp away and tweet us to death. This is my one New Years Eve resolution and trust me, when I get my mind on something, I deliver! Help me make this come true, we need more people!!!!!

Click away! Click away!

Helvetica is not dead. Yet.

I mean... Nothing else to say after Epic Beard.

Hey Superman! Someone crashed your crib!

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Why I love Flickr, Volume 2

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The "Miss Me Yet?" Billboard. Thoughts?

HEY CHEAP CLIENTS! Your advertising tag should read: MADE IN ARGENTINA!

Sneakers made by children in Taiwan. Expensive clothes, made by sweat shops in Mexico. Well boys and girls, now YOUR JOB is in danger as well! How fucking cool is that! Let me present to you... live, from Argentina and or Uruguay...

CHEAP ADVERTISING!

Yes! Cheap clients, call now! You can pay for your concept in whatever place you want and get those pesky adaptations for only 65 bucks! YES! Only 65 fucking american dollars buys you ALL THE CHANGES YOU WANT! Why pay extra hours on that ad that you keep changing because you showed it to your sister, husband, security man? Why not move the logo every half an hour... and get it for free, basically!

Will you put hundreds of ad agencies, creatives, executives out of work? Who honestly gives a rat's ass, right? You need to do as much crappy turd ads as you want, and who better to fuck everybody else than places where you can buy anything for almost nothing?

Let me write this again so you can get this perfectly clear, ad people that actually care about having a job next near: down in Argentina and Uruguay, you can hire people to do your final artworks for sixty five american dollars, per piece. For example. You make that extremely crowded print ad that you hate but your client loves to death and it gets approved. You send it to Random Uruguay dude and he prepares it in all its final glory. Oh, you need to change the turd and add, for example, two logos more? No worries. Your fee includes all the random shit you want to change already. Fun and cheap, right?

Do you know what this means??? Eventually all creativity will come from the cheapest place. And I don't know about you, but I'm not planning to move near Patagonian penguins. Creativity and quality control deserves to be paid. Period.

Yes. Some agencies DO charge a testicle for doing stupid changes. But that doesn't mean that we all have to suffer because of some rotten apple, now do we?

I just think this blows. I'm very angry. Hence, I don't have a witty end for this post.

Shit. Better call one fucking Argentinian to see what he or she can come up with for 20 dollars.

FUCK.

This. Must. Stop... NOW!!!

Hey Kids! It's the What the Fuck Edition Snuggy!

Bravo!

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Mishka. The Talking Dog... which will scare the shit out of you.

Steven Seagal = Yes, please!

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We need you to find us a new friend.

Guys and gals out there... We need help! Yes, it's that time again when I whore up and literally beg you to share our blog with your peeps. We need clicks! More clicks! Loads of clicks! Come on, help us climb the ladder of the Ad Age Blog 150! They are kicking our butts down there! See that number in the red badge? We need to push it to be lower! New Years Resolution, get that number at least to 200 something. We need to get whoring, people! I will love you long time and give you happy ending if you bring friend! Me love you all night long!

All we need is one friend that receives our URL with something interesting and we got them. Just one! Come on, we're nice, we post shit most people like... we just need more people to learn our little spot in internet heaven and bingo.

We're still not expecting to become Julie&Julia famous... but at least get decent numbers so maybe we can get enough advertising dough to pay for the WAS book!

We accept all major share transactions. You can share our URL by email, Facebook, Twitter, StumbleUpon, graffiti, tattoo, connect via Google Readers or suscribe to our RSS feed... anything is ok with us! You can either copy our URL at the top or share any particular post (look for the share button).

Also, if you have a blog and would like to include us in your links, by all means. We can return the favor! Just send us your links either in the comment box to this post or write us at adssuck@gmail.com.

So! Just think of one friend and send us their way. Hey, if you have two or more, go ahead. We do threesomes, foursomes... anything you want. Anything!

Much love. Me.

PS: Internet/Tech guys out there (Hi Bert!) - any ideas on how to get this blog noticed a little bit more? Already tried Google Adwords. Sucked. Need input...

Letterman? My hat off to you, sir.

Enjoy the David Letterman and Jay Leno Super Bowl tv spot. I hate to say this, but I loved it.

My Favorite Super Bowl ads.

To see them all, go here.

Jeff Bridges has the best website in the world.

Don't believe me? Go here right now... Dude.

Why I love Flickr, Volume 1

Lemonade: The Full Movie

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Now this is scary...

Business Insider has the best Charts of the Day. For me, it's like crack cocaine. Go to their website daily - of course, after coming to WAS - and see what they are up to. There are some charts that will blow your mind, trust me.

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Small but Smart.

Chuck Norris reading Chuck Norris Facts: Most Cool.

Smile people, tomorrow's Friday

Please rent Dear Zachary.

I would like to review this documentary, but honestly... I would not do it justice. The only thing I can think of right now is to tell you guys to please, please rent this movie by Netflix or order it through iTunes if you can. Sorry if I didn't give you more information... I'm just too distraught and extremely sad to write more. Hope you watch...

PS: Hey guys and gals out there: if anyone from your past relationships acts weird, follows you, stalks you or your loved ones in any way, either by phone, internet, or just showing up where you live... if any ex just won't let go and keeps wanting to have some kind of relationship where you just don't feel right or normal, keeps wanting desperately to have you in his/her life regardless of the fact that you moved on... run. Please. You never know who you are dealing with, and never know what would happen if some switch goes off the wrong way...

How sad... so sad.

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"How difficult can it be?"

In life, you are bound to have some things get repeated time and time again. Some you enjoy. Some you don't. Some get you angry. Some sad. But this line, this amazing little line, always frustrates the shit out of me. Today, I heard it again. And it's still a bitch.

How difficult can it be?

People who need anything related to advertising, design, creativity, writing or anything that requires having an iota of talent will utter this crap shit of an expression at some point of their lives. And like the word FUCK, it has different meanings.

Since today I had that epiphany, I will try to resume what this line means, so you young and hopeful people out there who are starting out maybe learn from us tired and angry ad people and live a better life. Who knows. So, let's do this!

How difficult as in "why is this shit so expensive?"
You need to resize a vertical half page ad into banners, websites, full page ads, brochures, flyers, stand up banners, invitations and anything that can be done into paper, basically. You quote 6 hours, knowing full well that it's going to take you longer. Then your bitch ass client calls back. 6 Hours for 15 different pieces at x amount? How difficult can adapting be that you attempt to charge me so damn much? Lord kill me.

How difficult as in "do you really need all that time?"
I need to revise a webpage, they ask. You need to move some items, add new photographs and change a telephone number. Oh and I know I called you today, but I need it for tomorrow, early in the morning. I mean... you really don't need more time than that, right? Satan eat my soul.

How difficult as in "if you quote it and it's expensive, can I do it instead?"
This may apply more to copywriters than anyone else. You see, while clients find it difficult to get Illustrator or Photoshop... there's always a Microsoft Word. Hence, they are copywriters ipso facto. So if they don't have the bucks to write a slogan or maybe a simple radio ad, they will first call you up to see how much you charge and then decide if the task is so simple that they can do it for free themselves. Fucking morons.


How difficult as in "are you a moron designer/creative/writer/producer?"
This I've written time and time again: it doesn't matter how much you studied, where or when. Your clients think they know how to design, write, produce, quote, print or do anything else. So, of course, when you design that turd of an ad (because let's face it, they will hate it regardless), they will send you a shitload amount of changes. And of course, when you logically try to defend some of your wise choices, they will only retort this line so you get the message: how difficult can it be to OBEY and SHUT UP?

So there they are. Learn, young padawans. Maybe there are more, maybe my mind is blocking a clusterfuck of past situations which have traumatized me so damn hard that I refuse to remember. If you have any more alternatives to this line, for the love of God, use the comment box. We need to know that people are reading us! Write back! Anything! Write Mommy loves candy! Whatever... just write.

How difficult can it be?

With love. Me.

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