Fortune Cookie 500#'s 431-435

On fluorescent lamps
Office illumination rarely illuminates the soul.

On people quitting
Resignations inspire more than many leaders.

On doing the right thing
Why is there even a balance between family and work?

On perception
Wise is the person who looks busiest.

On hatred
Putting the same energy into work than to hate would make you a CEO in 2 years.

Dear Client: Stop it with the minor changes. Really. It annoys all ad people.

THIS. This is exactly what makes OUR job different than all the rest. Fuck doctors, screw lawyers. What truly makes advertising really suck donkey scrotum is things like this: annoying as hell and minute by minute changes.

Ring. Move this logo to the left.

Ring. Can you find another word for incredible?

Ring. I love the blue, but can we make it more black?

Ring. Oh I needed this piece in a 8.5 x 11. Oh... I didn't mention this? Oh well. Can you adapt it by noon?

Ring. We loved amazing but... can you find another word?

Ring. I sent you another logo. You have to add it to the piece.

Ring. The lady in the right has blond hair and we were wondering if you can shorten it a bit and make her a brunette. This is no major change, right?

Ring. I need to add a line that reflects what the customer will get out of this offer... You figure it out but it has to sound... cool, you know? And with a twist. Like... you know, right?

Ring. The line you made is very long. Can you say all that with just like three or four words?

Ring. The black didn't work. Maybe you can find another background... more whimsical. You know... colorful but with black.

I HATE THIS JOB.

Secret Scrooge

It’s that time of the year again. Red is in vogue, candy canes are flying around and people are getting drunk off Santa Jizz, otherwise known as eggnog. That means that your office just might be preparing a Christmas luncheon, party or the ever fun Secret Santa gift exchange.

When it comes to office bullshit, Secret Santas have for a long time been the bane of existence for any person who consistently gets stuck with the cheap ass in the office or the local humbug. Being a part time humbug myself, it’s no surprise that I’m not a big fan of the whole Secret Santa thing unless it’s someone I care about. What tends to happen in this fun little dynamic is that someone will get someone who blows as a Secret Santa, while others get someone who rules. Or that’s how it’s supposed to be.

In reality, the whole Secret Santa thing has become nothing more than just your company’s official Office Gift Card exchange. This means that technically you could have spent $25 -$30 on yourself without the need for theatrics or the interjections of the local supervisor who has to get all smarmy with their corporate reach around speech. But otherwise, things wouldn’t be corporate enough, would they.

If your office environ is actually enjoyable, then Secret Santas are actually a fun little way of getting that much closer and doing cute little things puppy lovers would do. If however you reside in a place that’s more akin to the places where I’ve worked at, then you’d just rather call in sick for the entire month of December.

So to all those who love these merry days, may your Secret Santa be a cookie sniffing, 25% tipping wonder.

Cheers

Guilty Pleasures Volume 14: Airborne

Ah yes, it’s been a while since I’ve dug in the trenches of shitty movies I love, and today I pull out the adventures of Mitchell Goosen, otherwise known as Airborne: a teen flick of a surfer from California who’s stuck in Cincinnati because his parents went to Australia.

If you can’t quite capture how absurd a turd of a premise this is, suffice to say that the surfer dude takes his surfboard to Cincinnati because he never leaves home without it. You want bra’ moments? You got em. You want a guy who’s happy eating Captain Crunch Berries and a bean burrito while stylin’? You got that too. You want Seth Green and Jack Black in the pupa stage of their careers, there’s plenty of that too.

The script is sappy, the score is vintage 90’s inspirational flicks without venturing too far into Disney country and the rollerblades in the film have sound effects. Granted, the action sequences are quite good and whoever they got to do the rollerblade stunts is pretty damn good. Oh, and the final chase sequence is actually a major highlight of the film, but it’s still popcorn entertainment at best. (It also doesn’t make much sense, but hey, who says movies need to make sense?)

Here’s the plot in seven sentences:

Surfer kid has anthropologist parents who go to Australia and send him with his family from Ohio while they visit the land of Aus.

Surfer kid is detached from reality takes his surfboard with him to Cincinnati and finds that the frozen tundra he was sold as Ohio was actually accurate.

Surfer kid has zen moments of supreme wisdom while his cousin is a dweeb who serves as comic relief.

Surfer kid makes panties get wet and makes enemies with the local hockey hero (a guy who is currently the lead bowflex guy, no BS). [SIDENOTE: he also starts going out with bowflex’s sister, the then innocent looking Brittney Powell of Playboy lore.]

Surfer kid gets tormented by bowflex hockey player until he does something to screw with the school’s rival team.

Afterwards, surfer kid gets accepted and enrolled in a dangerous race they have to win to keep street cred in the mean streets of Cincinnati and ends up helping bowflex guy win.

Credits Roll.

So is this one of the worst movies ever made? Not really, but don’t be surprised if you see it at a dollar bin. You pretty much have a Zen boy meets roughneck teen drama with sappy dialogue and decent action sequences that should REALLY not be tried at home. The funny thing is that no matter what, if this flick is on the tele, I ain’t changing the channel.

Further proof Kanye is on crack

Ah, Kanye, Kanye, Kanye… how I hate thee, let me count the ways. I’ve been meaning to write about this flaming hemorrhoid for a while now, not because I haven’t yet expressed my hate for him, but because he never seems to be satisfied with his level of doucheness and always feels the burning need to up the ante of all ways of being an asshole.

Seems little Kanye Omari thinks he’s still changing the face of music while in reality he’s quickly becoming a sidenote, mostly remembered for his antics rather than for his “music”. In a series of gaffes that would make any political candidate proud, our little suburban rapper made the claim that Coldplay are better than the Beatles and that Christopher Martin is a better song writer than John Lennon. If you don’t believe me, click the title of the post or just copy the link below and read for yourself:

http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/story/west-chris-martin-is-a-genius_1181274

In a comment straight out of the Chronicles of WTF, West said that he thinks a collaboration between him and the Coldplay frontman would make “one of the greatest albums ever”. He goes on to say that Coldplay is on the same level as the Beatles and if that isn’t enough to make John and George roll in their graves, he says… and I quote: "In 30 years, when Coldplay are old men, people will look back and say, 'These guys were more talented than The Beatles.”

What

The

Fuck

So it wasn’t enough that you have consistently embarrassed yourself on television to make Black America pissed off at your existence, you dare to even mention Coldplay in the same sentence as the Beatles. Hey nothing against Coldplay, as a pussy radio-friendly substitute for Radiohead, they do wonders for me, but I wouldn’t even place them on my top 50 favorite bands, much less the best fifty bands that ever were.

But in a classic PR stunt, Kanye insists on saying something idiotic for the sake of publicity because he’s thinking that even bad press is good press, as long as people are talking about him. For my part, I’m delivering on that promise. I’m talking about Kanye West. But instead of reviewing an album or recommending him for some decent tracks, I focus on the spectacle that is Kanye, rivaling and surpassing Sean Combs in terms of being a prick. Sorry if I don’t say P Diddy, Puff Daddy, Puffy the Vampire Slayer or whatever the fuck other stage name he uses. I don’t want to keep track so I won’t.

Any talent West has is eclipsed by the fact that he’s a media whore and needs to be in the press saying something stupid. So enjoy the show that is Kanye, rip his music, boycott his shows and just tune in to CNN as we enjoy the continuing meltdown of yet another MTV idiot.

Unnecesary Creatures

When you think about all the hard work it actually takes to create a human being and all the intangibles that go along with it, it’s a wonder that we get stuck with some people who quite frankly should have been a cumshot. Every single day at my job there’s this harpy that somehow survived Greek times and landed in my spot of Earth to eventually be groomed to be a completely disposable sack of shit.

I’ve worked with hypochondriacs, power mongers, micro managers and a wealthy variety of assholes that take no consideration of the feelings or wellbeing of anyone, even themselves. If history teaches us anything on a daily basis it’s that it repeats itself and once again I find myself in a situation where someone who is inefficient, annoying, rude, and just plain noxious is my supervisor. Add to this an ego trip where they use words they’ve learned in class in the workroom just to sound smart, and you get an idea of what I’m talking about.

If history serves me right, and it should, what will happen is that I will get fed up and look for another supposed green pasture to try and graze from, minding my own business until some heathen insists on pissing on my patch of grass. Why I can’t simply come to work, do my job without facing something out of the ordinary and leave at a prudent hour is beyond me. Why I can consistently find myself in situations where I have a supervisor which is mediocre at best and offers up just an overall rude experience with every single email is also beyond me. I work hard, make acquaintances in all departments, am generally well liked by my peers and countless people who have nothing to do with me and am consistently thanked for a job well done. I give the extra mile and a half, get to work early, leave late, am decently groomed and try to be professional even while getting people to crack a smile.

So why is it that I’m stuck with the cumshot that should have been digested? Is it a learning experience? Is it chance? Was I born under the star of boy-you’re-going-to-be-screwed-in-every-day-job-you-have? I’m tired of being the better man, of not fighting fire with fire. I’m tired of there always being a sack of shit to have to deal with instead of the system eliminating the tumor itself. But alas, I’m urging to be transplanted to some other body which I’ll hate just as much as this job. That’s because I’m sure I’ll find some other sack of shit to hate, because systems breed pissants and unnecessary creatures thrive on bullshit, hatred and kissing ass.

So I may not be sure when it’ll be, but trust me it’ll happen and I’ll leave yet another job. And yes, yet again I will ask myself where we could have gone better but will smile just at the simple fact that I won’t have to see my asshole of the moment.

Cheers.

Fortune Cookie 500#'s 426-430

On being late
Being 10 minutes late is unacceptable, but it’s par to leave 3 hours past your exit time.

On teams
Acquiesce and obedience does not a team player make.

On gadgets
People who drive Smart cars don’t really look too smart.

On technology
You are what you text.

On health
Workaholics need rehab too.

Five things I hate about Christmas, according to: Me.

If you can say that you love Christmas in every way, then I would have to retort that you take your bullshit somewhere else. Ok, ok. Christmas is kind of a decent holiday. I for one love buying presents and figuring out cool gifts for the people I love. I love getting my tree, playing some music and getting 'them balls in it. And the most important thing is, this is the month when people are semi-decent to each other and stop with the crap at least for a while.

But you cannot deny that there are some minor details that... well, they can annoy the shit out of you. Oh no? Well, I'll give you my list. Maybe you then realize how much stupid moments we have to endure during this month. If you have any more items, please add them up.

Here we go. In no particular order, here are my Five Christmas Pet Peeves:

1) Your Company Christmas Party!
Lord in heaven WHY oh WHY must I have to buy a dress and get all decent for a party of people I SEE EVERY FUCKING DAY? It's not that I enjoy team work and all that bullshit, but come on! Do we really have to go? All that ends up happening is: a) some people drink way too much and become the punchline of the next week; b) two people got frisky somewhere in the parking and they were not so secretive of that fact; c) your boss tried to hit on you. Again. I prefer Christmas lunches. Get in quick, eat, get the fuck out.

2) Working on Christmas Eve.
Another bullshit. This day should be free to all people. Most of us will have some sort of dinner and we're all working? Well, if you call it that. I've played poker with my creative friends, domino... ah the good old times. Working on this day is completely retarded. But then again, advertising would not suck if bosses wouldn't make us work that day, right?

3) Secret Santas.
No, I don't enjoy getting stupid little gifts during a whole month. In fact, I've seen you around my desk, so I know who you are. Just leave me alone, give me my Gift Card - the ultimate secret santa corporate gift - and let me go home to my family. No, I didn't send you any secret messages. Maybe you got the point that I give a shit about this tradition.

4) Going to the mall.
Ok people. This will be the single most important life suggestion I will ever do. You have hands, you have eyes, you have a computer... you have internet because you are reading this, right? So please, get your gifts online. There is a clusterfuck of websites that you can buy all the shit you want and get it delivered to your house! Do you really need to smell and touch every single item? Please, there are some of us who need to go to the mall for something else than gifts and would prefer not to be in line for hours. Thank you.

5) Tree lights don't twinkle anymore! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT?
This got me so sad and angry at the same time! I just bought my tree the other day and proceeded to get some christmas tree lights... and had THE SINGLE MOST WHAT THE FUCK MOMENT of ALL TIME: lights are now steady. No more twinkling, no more soft fades, no more nothing. All you get is on or off. Christ in heaven is pissed off. All is lost for hope for humanity. Non-twinkly trees are our reality. THIS SUCKS.

I can go on and on: getting gifts for people in your family that you rather not; family reunions that are more painful than a colonoscopy without the anesthesia; stupid email christmas cards... Yes. This and more is clear evidence that not everything is jolly when old Santa comes around.

Merry Christmas!

Evaluations and decimal points

When you work at an agency, it isn’t always easy to get an evaluation even made. Everything is winged and many supervisors have no idea how to even write one. The funny thing is that working at a big company with over 1,300 employees doesn’t mean things will be any different. If anything, you find out that it’s just as retarded.

Let’s make this clear, evaluations should be tools for self improvement. You’re supposed to see areas of opportunity, address them and get better in those areas for the benefit of all parts involved. But in case you hadn’t noticed, evaluations are rarely used to truthfully help someone improve. Rather, they become tools to justify not giving you a raise and little more than that.

If anything can be set in stone about me it’s that I’m a great listener, even for things that aren’t necessarily meant for my ears, but that some people feel the need to share with me. At every tenure, in every agency and every company I’ve worked at, I’ve enjoyed lovely nuggets of truth that would do wonders for company morale. I just don’t share the information because it’s not my place to do so and I’ve been stabbed in the back enough to know not to spill the beans on sensitive information.

“Like what?” you may ask. Well what would you say if were to tell you that HR personnel are sometimes given specific instructions to tell all managers and supervisors to not give scores above a specific grade? Sounds a bit nasty, but I’ve heard stuff like that, which brings me to the point of this post: evaluations are horseshit.

When it comes to judging panels in a contest, you tally all the scores, divide them by the total number of judges and get an average. Rules may vary and maybe even the top and lowest scores are dropped. But the point is that in such an instance, you get to a two decimal point score because there is more than one person giving the evaluation. If this is the case, then why are evaluations made by one person including scores with two decimal points? The reason is simple, and I repeat from the paragraph above: to justify not giving you a raise. To make it clearer, I’ve seen a variety of scoring criteria used to evaluate me but one that was supremely curious was a best out of 5 score where I actually got a 3.63 out of 5. I was a bit confused at the score and was reassured that it meant that I was doing a spectacular job. So the question had to asked, if it were that spectacular, then why didn’t I get a 4 something? Luckily someone from HR was kind enough to give me the real answer before resigning. Quite simply, that there was no way you could get a 4, because there had been instructions given and to boot… a 5? Funny little boy, a 5 is only for VPs and Senior Management while 4s were saved for middle management. Oh and let’s not even ponder on what’s the difference between a 3.63 and a 3.64.

What this means is that regardless of your real performance, a company will justify giving you the minimum raise in pretty much any way they can, unless you get yourself a sugar momma or kiss the right ass. So if you were already fed up with the whole evaluation process in your company, there’s a little more info so you can get your hatred straight while you figure out how long you will insist on holding on to your shitty job.

Cheers

Swimming with Sharks

You’re at a company Christmas party. The line at the bar isn’t that bad so you stand there waiting for some liquid softener to smoothen out the edges of the day. Then you sense something odd around you. You look at the crowd, a bunch of people wearing their Christmas best, but something is off… you can taste it in the air and your spider sense is tingling. You see your clients sipping on their wine on one side, their Bacardi on the other, and there it is… someone from another company just chit chatting with your client.

It’s no secret that advertising is a dirty game. It’s an industry where backstabbing is par for the course as long as it means the cash enters my agency instead of yours, but seeing it all in action is a little scary… like swimming with sharks. You know they’re not supposed to do anything, but after all, what’s to say that this is a graceful reef shark instead of the bull shark you suspect it to be?

Intentions get muddled with alcohol and false congratulatory remarks rain from all around. Suddenly you feel as if you have laser sights on your heart, or in this case, your left hip pocket where the cash goes.

This is advertising and apart from posturing and the ludicrous articles that say that everything is alright, this cutthroat business based on bullshit and creativity has no scruples at the end of the day. All it takes is one word, a comment or better yet, a reference to put your client’s decision of picking your agency in doubt.

So next time you throw a huge bash where everything is epic in scale and everyone is having a blast, just remember that looking over your shoulder, there is a shark thinking about when to bite.

Sweet dreams.

Brokeback Mount Doom

Meet Embry. He totally rocks.

Top ten chick flick cliches

While this clip might be dated, it holds up completely. Damn, how much do I hate Makeover montages...

Must Love Jaws!

Funny what a little editing and music can do to a classic movie. LOL!

Never give up.

Totally true story.

Yesterday night, my dog was feeling kind of bad so I went to the vet. My rule is, I always go and get him to feel better, even if it's a simple thing that can pass with time. I love him so much, I cannot bear to watch him sad. So off we went, very late at night to endure hours at the emergency vet.

As we sat waiting for his turn, we saw a huge but very shy Pitbull. She was in labor and she was visibly in pain. She trembled from time to time and could not even sit because of the sheer pain. Listening closely to things that I shouldn't, I found out she was in labor all day, it started in the morning.

It was 11pm at night when I was there. Poor little dog.

So we wait a little more and me and my cool dog come inside the office. We wait. We wait. We wait... my dog gets checked and I can see from my little cubicle the office where the pitbull is. I can also hear everything, since this is a very small hospital.

The pitbull requires a c-section. One of the little doggies is blocked.

What I heard next made my heart sank and at the same time, extremely angry.

"Well, we'll have to put her to sleep because I cannot afford it".

Holy Jesus in heaven. How can someone possibly say those words? I felt horrible. I looked at my little dog and thought, I could never, ever say that. Even if I was broke, I would find a way to get my dog to feel better. Yes, vets are very costly. But this is a sort of agreement you have to make when you have any sort of animal.

You are responsible for your pet as you would be to your kids. When they get sick, you have to figure out a way to make them feel better, even if you don't have the money. So having an animal is no different.

Well, the best part of the night was this: as my dog was feeling better and it was time to go home, I saw my vet storming out into the waiting area and telling the owner, in front of all of us, the following:

"I'm not putting your dog to sleep. You HAVE to be responsible for this, as we are. I can understand that this procedure is costly, but you have to take in fact that YOU waited ALL DAY seeing your dog in labor and YOU decided to come in at 11pm at night. And also, your dog is ONE YEAR OLD! She is strong, she is healthy, and she DOES NOT DESERVE TO DIE from this. If you had brought a dog hit by a car, maybe I would have done it. But I won't kill a dog for not being able to deliver her puppies!"

We all smiled. The doc proceeded to tell the loser owner that he was going to help the dog to give birth to the blocked puppy and that it was the owner's responsibility to help the dog deliver the rest and not let her die.

At the end of the night, with the blocked puppy out of the way... we saw the huge tender pitbull give birth to two more puppies.

You should never give up on anything. Not your life. Not your friends. Not your situations. Not on your kids. And not on your animals, who love you so much.

Happy birthday to that amazing doggy mama. You showed him, girl.

The art of Hate

You know, it isn’t easy hating someone. Especially since John Lennon’s birthday just passed and since we’re in Christmas times. But face it, some people simply don’t give you a fucking break to be friendly. You see, there are assholes, then there are shit heads, then there are cunts, then there are people who simply tempt you to smash their head into a photocopier over and over.

Paper Jam? I don’t think so. WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!

Why is it so hard for people to understand what makes another person tick? Why are some people simply oblivious to the fact that people want to disembowel them and piss on their rib cage? Is it that insane to want people to say please and thank you? Is it that impossible to be even mildly considerate with a co-worker? Apparently so.

Apparently we live in a world that has become so individualistic and egotistical that common sense and manners have gone the way of the fucking do do. But noooooo then we have to sit through fucking team building exercises that are simply corporate circle jerks to appease the powers that be to fool them into thinking everything is fine.

Well everything is not fine in most companies. In fact, I can’t remember the time where I saw something positive on a Facebook wall post about someone talking about how they love their job. Times are tight and assholes are getting tighter. They ask for more and more and give less and less. Cut benefits, cut salaries, oh no you have to stay late and come early. Oh wow, you need to go to the doctor? Can you take work with you home? Are you kidding me? Are people that ignorant and self absorbed in their quest to kiss ass and floss with the president’s pubes that they have no idea how much of a piece of shit they are? Or do they secretly know and wear cilices and whip themselves stupid while snorting powdered corporate juice.

For fuck’s sake, there has to be something better than what we’re settling for. Extra efforts? Doesn’t matter. Great initiative? Please. All you need is to be someone’s sweetheart or their kid sister and you’ll get ahead. Fuck talent, fuck brains, fuck gumption. Hell gumption? To these people Gumption is what motivated Forrest to run faster or some secret Bubba Gump Shrimp dish. Kissing ass and taking credit. That’s the formula to success. Oh and so is having daddy issues and fucking upper management to get ahead while giving head while fulfilling some twisted Freudian slip of the tip.

So is today a bad day? Not really. It’s a day. Another day actually. Another day in a long line of days where I see myself and ask, what will it take to find some sort of satisfaction and the answers are not in any of the prior and obviously not in the current day job. Because happiness and satisfaction are not in a job. It’s not something you can buy at the supermarket or get prescribed by some physician. It’s a fucking unicorn that is findable only if today, right now you say enough of this shit and stop kidding yourself.

You know your fucking dreams, so stop delaying. This is to anyone who needs a pep talks as well as it is for me so I can see that today, December 10th 2010, I’m supremely pissed and am screaming at myself to stop jacking off and get cracking on getting leaving from where I am. Am I still better than where I was a while back? You bet your ass, but that doesn’t mean that I have to keep settling. Fuck settling in the ass with a rusty horseshoe from a two week old horse cadaver.

So am I gonna proof this? Fuck no. But am I gonna say cheers. Fuck yes. That’s my battlecry. It’s my anthem in a word. It’s my widget to manifest any positive feeling in me whether it be happy, mellow or full on aggressive. So without further ado, to the coworker that spurred this rant on: Fuck you and I hope you deepthroat a cactus and to all those who have had days like these:

CHEEERRSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSssss

How to not only BE a Nerd... but to take it WAY too far.

Politics: Left and Right, explained.

Thank you, John.

It's December 8. The day that we lost John Lennon.

I'm thirty... something something, so it's sad to report that I didn't grow up when The Beatles were at their top. In fact, I wasn't even born when they called it quits.

But I had my Mom and her music. Alas, I grew up on The Beatles. I remember later in life when she bought Double Fantasy, and how much we all sang "Beautiful Boy".

I also can remember the day he died, because it was the first time I saw her cry and I almost didn't understand why. Well, I was a kid back then. I understand her now.

So this little post is to say Thank You.

Thank you John, for making us think. For being extremely weird. For writing such amazing music, which to this day still stands the test of time. Thank you for making us want to imagine a better world. Thank you for the Walrus. Thank you for Lucy. Thank you for being so extremely cool. Thank you for quitting, because maybe you guys did the right thing and not make stupid music afterwards, like many bands usually do.

Thank you for making music that my mother taught me, and the music that I will too share with my future kids. Thank you for making the music that one day I will dance to at my wedding. Thank you for your weird drawings. Thank you for being so down to earth and walk the city with no ego whatsoever.

Thank you because your music means a lot to many people around the world, because while you might have have insecurities you have no idea how many times your lyrics made us stop crying, made us feel happy, made us dance, made us sing and made us think a little of being more decent human beings.

You will be forever missed. Hope you are having a great time with George playing somewhere in heaven.

Even if you don't believe in it. Much love from one of your greatest fans. Me.

The Ad Biz has reached a new low!

What does Dolph Lundgren, Phillip Michael Thomas and Right Said Fred have in common? A WHAT THE FUCK MOMENT video!

I cannot... I can't... why. WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYY?

Extinct, my ASS!

This totally rocks some serious ass. Period!

Be the Creative your agency wants you to be

For all you young creatives out there about to embark on the adventure that is a career in advertising, make sure you look the part. To be taken seriously as a creative professional, make sure to sport the following:

On your desk:

· Old copies of The New York Festivals and/or The One Show

· Stacks of Archive/Communication Arts

· Star Wars figures

· Lots of toys

· Poster of foreign/obscure indie film

· A cool desk lamp for mood lighting

· An old 35mm camera, just for show

· Super quirky desktop background on your computer

On your person:

· Message T-Shirts

· iPhone

· Funky eyeglass frame

· Oversized DJ headphones

· $300 jeans paired with $3.00 flip-flops

· NO WRIST-WATCH!!!

· Tattoos

In your parking spot:

· Mini Cooper

· Volkswagen (Beetle or Passat)

· Prius

· Super rugged SUV (Wrangler)

Animals are cool!

Another brave Creative Director answers the WAS Challenge!

I'm stopping the bets since now another Creative Director decided to give us his input on our questions... plus the new ones that RestrictionsApply needs to be answered as well. So here we go! Enjoy!

1) Do you sometimes give changes on a campaign and/or ask for it to be redone... simply because you don't like it, even if it's on strategy and could be approved by your client?

Answer: No.

I might ask for another option that pushes things or looks at it differently, but if there is work done that is on strategy, than I am fine with it even if it isn't my favorite.

Me: Man... where were you when I was 26?

2) Do you stay with your team if they have to work overtime, even if they don't need you for hours or do you leave and go play Golf or some other thing? If you do leave... do you feel guilty or not?

Answer: First off, I don't play golf. It's stupid.

I am there as much as my team. We have a skeleton crew, so if there is work to be done I too have to do it. 

But I try to make sure my team leaves on time every day. Sometimes it can't happen, so when it does it's really not that bad.


Me: Another question... where were you when I was 34?

3) What things creatives do that REALLY annoy you beyond belief?

Answer: Play the expected part of being a creative.

You are a marketer at the end of the day. Use your talent to solve the problem at hand. Don't play into the flaky, unorganized label that account service trys to put on you. Prove them wrong.

Me: Sometimes we do find ourselves fighting between you and the Account Director... it's like a Mom and Dad situation but without the cool toys at Christmas.

4) Why do great creatives get fired instead of crappy ones? Is it all about money at the end?

Answer: Money and politics.


Me: Can I add kissing ass? It sure works. Oh and boobs. Sometimes people are let go because they are lacking in the boobage department. Seen it happen.

5) Tell the truth. Have you presented something that you know is a total crap of an idea but you had no other choice? How did that feel? Is it the creative's fault or do you think you might have asked for more time to do something better?

Answer: Yes. Long story short, we were backstabbed by account service. They tossed our presentation and had one of their own. We had the choice of spending the next hour before we presented to the client yelling and screaming at them or be the bigger people and do the best we could with the crap we had in front of us.

Me: That's it. I'm closing up shop and going to work where you are. Are you hiring? I can do great copy and good coffee. I also have boobs.

6) Do you realize CD's, by nature, piss creatives off at least 65% of the time? You know. You change stuff, you make us do "wittier" lines... difficult things. Do you live with that fact ok or does it bother you?

Answer: And GCDs and ECDs and whatever other titles that are above us piss us off.

In the end my job is to help creatives get better so they can take my job. So sometimes that means pissing them off by making them push themselves.

Me: Interesting point! Do you get angry at them like we do, secretly putting pins on voodoo dolls? Oh... it's just me then. Shit.

7) What have you done to NOT be the Creative Director you had previously that you just can't stand?

Answer: Realize I have the job. That success doesn't mean it has to be my idea, design or whatever. That I succeed by having my team succeed in anyway possible.




Me: Yeah, that is one sad thing that we lived. A stupid CD once reported at the end of a great presentation on which we ALL worked for, for months without seeing anyone, that this was all his idea. I almost cried that day, but because I felt sorry because my teammates could not see how asshole he could be.

8) Why do you not buy other things that pizza when we are working late? Do you think that if a creative team is going to work overtime the agency SHOULD buy very decent food?

Answer: Make a suggestion. Pizza is easy. And you can eat it quick and hassle free and be that much closer to getting the hell out of the office.

Me: Yeah but... we need a break to relax for a while. Granted, it means we will arrive home later, but at least we took a break to eat like a normal person. You can't imagine how good it feels to have those minutes.

9) Do you agree that if we work after 11pm that we deserve beers as well?

Answer: Drink whenever you want. Just get the work done and done well.

Me: Hey, the man that says yes to beer... can actually say yes to Tequila? YEAH!

10) Have you ever boldly gone where no CD should go? And yes, we mean have you ever banged a creative. Or thought of it.

Answer: My wife is a creative at another agency. Does that count?


Me: Yeah. Totally banged a creative.

10) When is it ok to say NO to a client with an impossible deadline? Or do you just ignore the fact that sometimes you need time and deliver the best crap your team can do in that allowed time?

Answer: A flat out no won't fly. But a we can't do that, but we can do this in that timeframe, can work sometimes.

But sometimes all you can do is say yes and deliver the least stinky crap you can. Because in the end it's a service industry.

Me: Ok here's the deal. I'm willing to pay for you to go and give conferences to Creative Directors all around the globe. The fact that you are ok with us doing the best we can, even if it stinks and that you are willing to show it to a client means that there is hope somewhere. People sometimes forget how hard our job really is and how limited time makes us less creative and more crappy. Your team is very lucky to have you.

Please clarify the main role of the CD: come up with good ideas? Inspire his subordinates to do their best? Run a solid department, on budget?

Answer: This will change from agency to agency. 

To me it's keeping the team on task. Helping them come up with the best ideas and work possible, and shielding them from all the political BS so they can just do their jobs. It's also teaching people all you can. Sharing tricks of the trade, giving them chances to grow as well as fail. 

Me: Don't remember the raise. The raise is good. The raise is holy. Oh and beer after 11.

How important are awards? Do they bring more clients to the agency? Do clients care about the award their ad won or the business it generated?

Answer: I think awards are stupid. I think most clients don't even know that most of the awards exist. But an agency might get some calls if they win some huge award.

Me: I think creatives think that they are worthy when they have a weird little statue at their side as well. I prefer cool toys and pictures of my friends and family.
 

Where do you draw the line between working for an award or making the client happy?

Answer: I want to make the client and myself happy. Because in the end that is all that matters.

Me: That and getting home early. It totally rocks.
 
What happens to most Creatives after the age of 35? Where do they go?

Answer: At the agency I work at there are a lot of people over 35. I think the harder question is for those over 35 that never did or wanted to really move up past Sr. art director or writer. Those are the people that are great at their craft but often make too much money for the title they have, and are the first cuts that an agency makes.

Me: Food for another post. Thank you so much!