This will be a total public service on my part. Why? 'Cause I've seen men fuck up so badly at Valentines Day, I decided to help a brother out and give you the basic rules to a perfect "you got laid' day. Yes, I'm going to rat out all the chicks so you get your penis handled today in perfect fashion! How many bloggers are willing to get you some hot lovin' today?
Ok, so here we go. If you have a woman who you a) love dearly, b) like a lot c) sort of dig or d) use for sex (it happens), then you might need this list of ideas so you seal the deal today. You don't have to do ALL the things I recommend here, but as much as you can will do the trick. Ready? Set? Valentines!
1) Take her out to dinner at a place where people don't sing the birthday song in chorus and really loud.
Yep, that means a quiet and romantic place, where you will probably need to wear a decent pant and shirt. It might mean a little more $$, but trust me, she will feel special because she knows how hard it is to take her there. Hey, you don't need to go to a Michelin restaurant. Just somewhere where crayons are not placed on your table and where some loud family is right next to her.
2) Flowers. Send flowers.
I don't care if it's any kind. Trust me, ALL women say at one point that they don't care about getting flowers. BULLSHIT. They want their flowers, they want the people around knowing they got flowers. Get in that car and get her a bunch of whatever. You don't need to write a card. Just write your name with a random: With love, Dude. You're set.
3) Chocolates? Small box will do the trick.
Diets, diets. Just remember, all women are on a diet. But if you want to send the almighty choco-hit, do it on a small box and mix it with some sort of plush toy. Yes, she will eventually hit the box and eat it. Just make it easy for her and don't do a huge box. Calories calories...
4) Dinner and a movie is also good.
Yes, at this point of the year you will need to succumb to an awful chick flick. I recommend you taking a shot of something before. Actually, if you it then you get to go to the movies with a little wine inside you... and maybe you will enjoy the flick! Nothing sad, please. Women tend to be sentimental the whole day.
5) Picnic at beach/park/romantic place of your choice!
This will be hard because you need to plan ahead, but you can totally do it. Just grab as much cheese, crackers and ham as you can at the local supermarket. Then buy yourself at least two bottles of a decent red wine and bingo. No, you don't need to make an actual dinner to go have a picnic. Anything that can come in decent temperature and that won't kill you will work fine. Just remember a blanket! Grass or dirt is not cool!
6) You really don't need to get an expensive gift.
If you do, you're dating an asshole. Jewels, expensive bags and the other shit is not mandatory on a day like this. In fact, something cute and funny will do the trick, most of all if you combine it with any of the previous ideas. If you just come with a box and then sit down and watch tv, then you better get prepared to get a nasty look.
7) Make dinner.
Maybe you can pitch in! Disconnect all tv plugs, all internet modems. Put on some music, open up the fridge and cook. Talk. Do anything but the normal shit you do when you get home.
8) Don't talk about work/family/anything that is not fun!
You can discuss how much you hate your in-laws tomorrow. Focus on happy thoughts.
9) Don't think that she doesn't care about Valentines and that she'd rather stay home.
While she might have said this at one point, mark my words, she's totally bullshitting you. She wants you to come up with something. Anything. Even if it's getting a bubble bath together (oh yes, deal with it). She wants you to do some kind of effort. Period. Just go with it.
10) Valentines Day applies to the single women you care about as well. Call them up, dude.
Just because they are single doesn't mean they have the plague. These women are also celebrating and they deserve at least a call, a tweet, a message, an email... something. It's called the friendship day also... get with the program and start calling people up.
Simple, but some reason you men out there forget how easy it is. Just remember to get home early so there is no "I'm tired" excuse. Be nice, be yourself, try to be romantic and most of all... smile.
Happy Get laid day, people. Much love, Me.