Apr 17, 2011

To thirty-year-old men living with Mom: I'm going to rip you a new one.

For as long as I can remember, I've always known that the age of leaving home was around 18-21. At least, that was the magic number in my generation. If you were living at your mom's at any point after that allotted time slot in your life, you instantly became a loser douche who had no life. No. Sorry, there were no excuses. By that year, a decent job must have been under your belt and no, you didn't have to have big bucks, but you HAD to have at least some to pay the bills, eggs, milk and bread. People who lived with their moms in their thirties - again, in my generation - were the guys who you would read about in the news who killed a shitload of people and ate them... or stored them to have weird things done later. Your garden variety Son of Sam, if you know what I'm saying...

So when the fuck did living with Mom became a normal thing? What happened to this generation, where it is ok to go boldly near even the forties and never know what it really means to be independent? JESUS H. CHRIST!

I write this because I've noticed this time and time again, and while there are some exceptions that I can even acknowledge as decent excuses (sick parents or you being the breadwinner because mom/dad/grandpa don't have enough money to live are the only ones that I accept) - I cannot fathom people not understanding that there is NO WAY you can actually earn the title ADULT if you've never been fully responsible for yourself, alone at your own apartment/house.

I cannot give a shit if you tell me that you pay the bills. Sorry dude. If your mom cooks your shit when you get home, if you find your lovely briefs all white and perfectly placed in your drawers, if your porn collection is spotless even when you think it is safely hidden, if your bathroom floor shines like a glass even when you cannot remember the last time you wiped it... then you are not worthy of the adult license. Go fuck off and learn how to do the dishes, do the laundry, go to the supermarket, fight with the plumber for that pipe he didn't fix fully, leave work early so you can wait for that installer to get to your house late and all the shit we adult people do when we leave home.

I cannot understand or even grasp the idea of being such a dependent human being. I can totally understand men who do this because out of the norm situations like I stated above... but besides that, there is NO reason, NONE, that you can say that makes it ok.

No. Your mom is NOT your roommate. No. It is not ok. If your mom is healthy and doesn't have any financial situation that affects her or her way of living, if she can totally live and exist totally on her own, then... well, I have a beef with you. And you know what? All the women you meet will think it's weird too.

How do you get laid? I mean... at thirty something years old, you should have even a small apartment! I'm not talking about an expensive crib with a view! I'm talking a 10 x 10 space where you have a bed and a fridge. No... No... do... you... do you go to a Motel? YUCK! What are you, twenty?

Oh but the thing is that I have too much debt and I cannot pay the rent. Well stop driving that BMW, asshole. Get yourself a Toyota Yaris and join the rest of us who have some kind of dignity and have roughed it. It means not having that much money for food, not going out because we have to pay the bills, sleeping with no air conditioning, not seeing a raise for a gazillion years but living OUTSIDE our parents walls.

The evolution of men is simple. Women take care of you, teach you how to walk, how to read, then they send you to school, they pay your shit until you have a decent age to go to college, get a job... AND THEN GET THE FUCK OUT OF THEIR HOUSE. Why?

Because they EARNED time for themselves. Because your Mom and your Dad want to go on vacation. Because they want to get laid in the living room and they've been waiting 20 damn years to do so, because they don't really care about meeting your 20th girlfriend, because they HATE doing YOUR dishes and cleaning YOUR shit. Being a parent involves having some time to enjoy watching YOU walk out that damn door and exploring the world without them.

So! For you thirty something boys who are still sleeping in a twin bed and saying Good night to mom... unzip your jeans. Take off your briefs. Look at your balls. Yeah, take a good hard look.

They are just for show. Earn them. Go and be a grown up, will you? Thanks.

With love, Me and all the women you've tried to have sex with.

PS: "Fuck Off Me, I got laid at my mom's plenty", you said? Ha. It's called low standards. Women do that shit from time to time. Bookayasha.


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