I'm going to ask you a favor.
The next time you go in a meeting, either it be with clients or with your coworkers - try to figure out which one is the asshole. The prick. The sorry waste of a human being.
You see, in all meetings, there is always - and I mean ALWAYS - an asshole. It's kind of a rule of life, I guess. I noticed it last Wednesday, when I left a meeting so fucking annoyed - it was at that simple moment that I realized that it wasn't me, it was just that the douche of the table let himself be heard, and I'm dead tired of listening to people like him.
I got in my car and calmed down. There has to be an asshole in every meeting, it's like a golden rule. In all gatherings of people, I guess there has to be one mammal that needs to shine, needs to growl, needs to be seen - and instead of making intelligent comments or really contributing something worthwhile to the table, he or she will take the easy way out: be a total ass donkey. It requires no talent, no IQ, no research, not a single drop of knowledge. It's so easy!
So the next time you dress up in your nicest and get ready to make your presentation, take good care of recognizing one of the following waste of dna:
1) The Asshole who needs to have an argument about anything.
You can be talking about a simple idea. You can even be describing how you walked your dog last night. This low life will start giving you grief about why you let him walk on the sidewalk. He will ask in detail what the dog ate before and start a heated discussion on why you chose Prescription Diet instead of Royal Canine. He just wants to fight and you are the target.
2) The Asshole who knows everything - even if it makes no fucking sense whatsoever.
This is the douche who will say that he emails his Tweets from the social network called Facenotes. He will say that his teens know much more than you do about current trends, and that you're doing all your campaign totally wrong because you didn't think about X target - the single one you didn't use because it wasn't logical at all. This man may have backstabbed his way to the top and now he will take his product and destroy it - oh yeah, and it will be your fault.
3) The Asshole who just doesn't understand.
Ah, how I would love to kick this one in the deepest part of his or her privates. These are the ones that make me really angry because there I am, explaining for the fiftieth time why I cannot use a whole Full Page ad in a Facebook Ad because of the pixel size and he goes... but why? You can notice them just before the madness begins: they are nodding while listening to your presentation, but you can see in their eyes they are just trying to decipher algebra or something. How do these people get those jobs? Did they go to college? Why someone has not fired them? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
4) The Asshole who doesn't like it.
It can be the most creative thing a human did on this earth. It can be a future Clio, it can be the start of a product selling out like there is no tomorrow. It can be on target, it can be even on budget. But she just... well, she doesn't like it. Yeah, that's the asshole who just takes his or her personal taste and spreads it all over the brand. Forget about the main target. The target is the asshole and you know what? The only feedback you will get is I don't like it.
5) The Asshole who just wants it like he's telling you. Period.
Take your research, your creative, your design, your presentation and just ram it up your ass. Thank you for playing "Let's practice Advertising"! Now shut up and let him tell you EXACTLY what he wants. No. NO! Shut up. Give me a sheet of paper. I want *starts writing*... in this section, I want a photo of my daughter playing with the dog... and let's write something like... um... Dogs love it! And big! Big Type! Then you place the logo big and huge here... and we need bursts. Lots of bursts! We need to sell that dog food! And I want it to run on radio, print and billboard. And I want it to cost me 6 thousand bucks. You get the deal. You are just a worker bee, so listen up and understand that you will have no say in this campaign. And yes, you can get accustomed to the fact that in less than a year, when the sales are dropping and your product does not sell one cent - it will be YOUR fault because you didn't come up with a decent campaign or presented something on your own.
I'm so sorry but this is a fact. There is no way on eliminating them from this earth, because there has to be a balance. For every intelligent person in this earth, there has to be a fucking tool or a douche bimbo who make our make our life a living hell... but interesting - in some sick way.
And here ended the lesson. Much love and stay cool. Me.
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