The Wonderful World of Insomnia

Part two of Me's Wild ride drama series. In this episode: "Your body can take so much".

To recap, in our last episode you all had read - and I had written with lots of pain - the story about me losing my pregnancy. You may have thought - and so did I - that it was going to be easy and in no time I would get back to normal. Well, seems that my body and my mind had other plans and decided to make my life... interesting. Now, you are witnessing a miracle. You see, I cannot sleep. Yes, I am the human who doesn't sleep. Call the movie directors and sell my story, people. I can be awake for days, not sleep and actually am able to work, talk, engage with others in conversation... it's fucking amazing. And I'm tired...

Ok so I know I have it easy, people in the rest of the world are dying of hunger, are losing their homes, got robbed, have no civil liberties... I cannot compete and don't even want to with others who have worst problems than myself. But I can maybe just write about it, in hopes that I examine what's happening in order to get myself back in track...

Not sleeping is very weird. At first you think it's temporary. You can fight the couple of first days without a decent night of sleep with no problem. You can even go a week and not feel a lot tired. At least, that's what it felt at the beginning.

But after all that has happened to me and the mental exhaustion it has taken to overcome the loss of the pregnancy mixed with the usual advertising stress - my body is refusing to play along. Maybe it's because I think that advertising people are wired differently I found myself fighting the idea of feeling tired or stress - are not all ad people stressed out? I honestly think we are, but not 100%. I found that at least I have a breaking point.

But this post is not about touching the void. It's about all the weird stuff that happens when you lose your sleep. It's so weird... You feel like you are floating. You're not there altogether, you think that you might be, but you are not. Night can come and go and you don't notice it that much. I find it weird that there are no dreams, no nightmares. In this state of restlessness, when your mind cannot let go because it's overthinking everything, you find an empty space where all your usual weird dreams or fucked up nightmares would be. I can only describe as dark and light. When your body needs to sort of shut down, you just go on sort of crappy computer sleep mode, and just temporarily disconnect without properly shutting down. And like any other computer, when it's time to wake up, you just open your eyes, adjust and keep on doing whatever you left off...

The other weird thing is light. You notice light - as in the sun. Night, not so much. Maybe it's because you notice when it comes up more than the usual person. I mean... how much of you people out there have your eyes open when the sun is starting to come out each morning? Not much. Insomnia makes you notice the little things in very weird ways. I do not recommend it, but hey, if you suffer from it, at least by reading this you are not alone...

No, I don't enjoy this phase in my life right now, but I am embracing it like any other in life because if you don't acknowledge fully what life gives you - how do you learn, right? I am currently working on getting better, focusing on going to the doctors and slowly getting back to normal in many ways. Yes, I still hurt from the loss, very much so - and like any other person, in time I will understand that this process is natural.

Maybe I'm writing this because I just want to let you ad people know that in some moment we do have to take a time out and breathe. I am a walking example of what not to do, how much stress a person can handle before they break and lose something of value. Maybe I'm writing this so you think about where you are in your life and take my experience as a warning.

Maybe I'm writing, just to write.

Any way... thanks for reading.

Much love. A very tired Me.