A message to the idiot chick who flew next to me: TURN OFF YOUR SHIT WHEN YOU ARE FLYING.

I now know that I have patience. For me, you see, this is a huge deal. I have always suffered from lacking the ability to take my anger in a calm way. I usually explode and say things right off the bat. So when last night came and I was sitting next to a total douchebag idiot woman who refused to turn off her damn BlackBerry and her Kindle... I found myself just breathing and taking it slowly.

While I really wanted to kick her in her boobs and throw her out of the plane... it was a miracle... I just sat there, amazed at her and said nothing. Guys, you have no idea what this means. I actually was able to shut my mouth and not rip her a new one for making all of us feel uncomfortable while being on the air. And yes, the flight attendant chewed her butt very nicely - without my help.

Look. I don't care if air travel is way dangerous if we let our iPads or phones on during the entire flight. All of us at one point have not noticed such a huge mistake of leaving it turned on during the whole flight - and realized that we didn't live an episode of Lost. In fact, maybe it is all just nonsense and our equipment does not affect whatsoever the airplane at all. I really, really don't care. Wanna know why?

Because I don't want to bet dying on a motherfucking airplane to see if it's true or not!!!!!

Yeah! I'd rather die of anything else BUT on a plane accident! Yeah! You can decapitate me, I can get shot, I can get nailed by a bear. Choose whatever you want BUT going down to my death on a metal tube with wings.

The fact that people do not respect that single and moronic rule gets me really riled up. Do you really need to Facebook at 40thousand feet in the air, you blonde moron? You cannot fathom the idea of turning that little black thing off for a couple of hours? YOU CANNOT CALL ANYBODY, YOU DUMB SORRY EXCUSE OF A WOMAN! Can't you follow any type of instructions... at all?

Jesus H. Christ. I find it so disrespectful when people just blatantly ignore safety rules at an airplane. Really. People take so much for granted. Maybe the Low IQ bleached bimbette next to me has not read much about planes going down. When I was a small child you read about that crap a lot. Yes, airplane travel is much safer than any other means of transportation. That does not excuse her behavior or the simple rules that we all have to abide to when we hop on your garden variety airplane.

So yeah. A toast to all ignorant people who cannot, for the life of them, turn off their equipment for 15 minutes of their time on a flight.

I really despise you.

Much love, Me.

Dispelling the blur

Living life in the fast lane should not be a way of life. Going 150 MPH is hardly a lifestyle. By the way, saying you don’t have the time to smell roses because that’s not the way you roll is ignorant at best. We live in a constant state of rush… everything is for yesterday… there’s no time to do things right but there’s always time to redo things about 50 times. January blurs into May and almost half a year is gone.

Seriously, what the hell do most of us do with our time… except squander it on working and supposedly being productive? Too many people are in a hurry to do all the things they have to do and often forget what they want to do. Time is being allocated on what brings us less in our lives and it’s becoming more frequent that we ask ourselves what is becoming of our time.

Living in a constant state of flux might be fascinating to some people, but the reality is that it’s not that good for the soul and it goes against the desires of most bodies. Simply put, going fast - all the time - is dangerous. The risks are collisions, physical conditions, doing things incorrectly and worst of all, realizing that the moment you could have enjoyed is already gone.

It’s living a crazy Charlie Sheen carpe diem at light speed. Most people are busy bees social networking with every step and thinking in multitask mode. It’s being efficient to a fault because what good is doing things correctly if you can’t even appreciate any victory at even a minor level. “You’re only as good as your last work” might be a telling axiom regarding advertising, but it’s a shitty way to start your day or continually live your life.

Full speed ahead is something you can do once in a while, but it shouldn’t be the way you operate because eventually you will overheat and crash. That’s what happens to quite a few people I know. They, work, work, work, work, party, work, drink, work, smoke, work, eat, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, go to a party, work, have dinner, shit, work, work, work, work………………………… crash.

It’s as if work is their pulse and suddenly they have an ischemic attack. At my company this year a coworker died in March. I use the verb die instead of pass away because pass away sounds like something nice and though western culture shouldn’t fear death as much as it does, people shouldn’t invite the grim reaper to dinner every night. After that very sad passing, two weeks later to be exact, another person has three heart attacks. The person is lucky enough to still be walking around. This is what going full speed ahead for years on years gets you.

The world is a blur of news, adverts, work, stress, and experiences and every day is an opportunity to pull the foot back from the accelerator. There are detours, there are scenic routes, there are rest spots… use them.

Don’t feel inclined to live life on the fast lane because guess what, the difference between driving 80 MPH or 50 MPH is a choice, a decision and it is yours.

Cheers

It’s not just a dog

Mortality is a peculiar concept when life gets in the way. Preconceived notions and our fears often jumble into a senseless mish mash of emotion and depending on the day, the person and the circumstances, we react differently.

My dog just passed away.

For someone who isn’t a dog lover, the most normal reply would be to say, “No worries it’s just a dog.” But it isn’t that easy, it isn’t that simple and it isn’t that trivial.

B. was more than just a dog, and I’m sure you’re going to hear that often from most dog enthusiasts. Another thing that will sound typical is that he was one of my best friends and that I loved him dearly. I state these things up front because this isn’t the first time I lose a canine member of my family and it isn’t the first time I feel this way.

If you ask a dog lover about their dog, the amount of stories abound. If you hear them in the midst of talking about their dog you’d swear that they were talking about the coolest person in the world. If a dog lover suddenly loses one of their dogs, it’s devastating.

For my part, today hasn’t been an easy day to say the least. I lost a friend and a brother - a child even. I spoiled B. so much it’s no wonder he always came to me for treats and attention. But when I’d lie down on the floor for hours scratching him, he wouldn’t dare leave even to take a pee break. He reacted to my moods endlessly better than most mere mortals. He also had a knack for always knowing when to butt his nose in my business, by literally butting his cold nose against my leg, my arm or my cheek, depending on whether he wanted to call my attention or just show affection.

In his own way, he probably got to know me better than most people. I would look into those big brown eyes and be forced to smile and give him a hug because since he was a dog, I could bare my soul to him and he wouldn’t judge, wouldn’t critique, hell he wouldn’t even offer any pointers. He’d just wag his tail and insist on enjoying my company… and sometimes I wish more people could do just that.

There are a thousand things I might have once wanted to say and for him to understand my words. But when you think about it, when it comes to dogs, often times there’s no need for words… and again, I wish more people could do just that.

I’m gonna miss you kid.

Cheers

Reel Wisdom: Lessons from 40 Films

This is way cool: ShapeShift

Five things I'll miss If the world really ends this Saturday: Me Edition.

Some crazy religious freaks are claiming that the world will end this Saturday. We all know this is total horseshit, but hey, for the sake of writing a post, let
s consider the minuscule idea that maybe it happens. What will I miss besides my mom and the love of my life (those are obvious) that is normal, every day stuff?

In no particular order, when God comes down from heaven and strikes with anger at this little planet, I will totally miss:

1) Going to Häagen-Dazs Ice Cream.
It happens once a month, but damn, does it become a thing of joy.

2) Going out to dinner and having loads of drinks with my boyfriend.
This is one thing we do on a weekly basis. Friday is synonymous with us having fun, going out, drinking and laughing at some new restaurant or great spot... and getting something-something afterwards.

3) Any program currently running on Bravo.
Ah, how I will miss the über girly and slightly gay programming from the great minds at Bravo!!! Millionaire Matchmaker, Top Chef... Good thing I'm going to be dead.

4) Traveling the world.
I have a strong belief that you work to travel. There is no greater joy than getting on a plane and experiencing different cultures, sights, sounds. This world is so amazing, it's a shame to miss it.

5) Spending time with my dear friends.
They are my gasoline, my family, my posse. Heaven - or nothing for us atheists - will surely suck without having them to joke around with.

What I would give to see the faces of those stupid idiots come saturday. The sad thing is that they'll claim that God, miraculously forgave mankind for being such douchebags and He left us live another day.

Religion is weird.

What if the Shining was a feel good movie?

Disney's Copy & Paste

5 Questions for Quentin Tarantino.

As I sit here waiting for the insomnia to leave me, Inglorious Basterds is playing for the 50th time this month - and I have seen it every damn time it's on. Tarantino's movies are so much my cup of tea, it needs to be examined by a team of doctors. I love his movies. I know all of his scripts.

I sometimes wish I would be like some of his characters. Ballsy with a mix of crazy and subtle evil. As time has gone by, this is the director I have grown up with. And yes, the years have given me five questions that I need to talk over with him.

So Quentin, here are my questions. In my wildest dream you will ever answer them, but I have to learn to have faith... Here we go.

1) What was the thing that Jules and Vincent were looking for and guarded with their lives?

2) Why does Marcellus Wallace wear that band aid on the back of his neck?

3) What happened to Aldo the Apache that left a huge scar on his neck?

4) Did Hans Landa recognize Shoshanna at the coffee shop... but let her live?

5) What the hell did Bill do to Hattori Hanzo - enough to make the man even not say his name?

Bonus: You must be tired of this one, but all the Earth needs to know: Who killed Nice Guy Eddie?

I love you Quentin. Don't stop filming, please. Ever.

Still Funny after all these years: Ikea's Tidy Up TV Spot

Must Watch: Talking Dog Rules.

Thank you @erolucila!

You don't need Oprah to live your best life.

Oprah is saying goodbye - sort of. I don't know about yours, but my Mom watched her every single afternoon and sometimes she would tell me about this show or that show. And I can bet that like my mother there are millions of other people, who sat there every afternoon to see what she would come up with next. Her power is undeniable, no matter what you might think, this woman CAN and DOES change lives.

Now, one of her most famous life mottos is very simple: LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE.

Funny that I decided to write about this theme tonight. Maybe it's because Ad people are very grumpy. Maybe it's because I want people to know that it's not so difficult to enjoy life and all its possibilities. Sometimes I see so many people - some that I know - not giving themselves the chance to go full forward and experience their lives beyond the gruesome day to day. Work has a great power to kill all your dreams and experiences if you let it... and this cannot be.

Did I have some life-changing experience that made me treasure life more than the regular joe? Nope. I didn't have an accident, I didn't get three months to live, I didn't almost lose a loved one recently. I just realized that I had nagged long enough and that I complained about not doing the things I wanted to do until I decided to shut up and do them.

Oprah is right. You really need to live your best life. And you know what? It doesn't require that you be the best worker at your ad agency. It doesn't mean that you can win all the prizes in the world for best creativity. It sure doesn't matter if you make your boss think that you are indispensable (you're not). In fact, work is just a tool, a way to get to your best life.

You don't need money to live it. You just need to make yourself a promise and follow through. It can be anything. From going out more, to getting more time to write that book, to start painting again, to start and actually finish that diet and losing the weight, to solving your money problems... anything is possible.

Go out. Hang with your friends. Spend more time with your wife, with your husband. Take the time to go to the movies. Travel somewhere that does not even come close to your culture - or just go somewhere where you know you'll have fun. Go outside and play with your kids. Write on a blog for hours at a time. Buy yourself that thing you've always wanted but are too cheap to do it - you know what? You deserve it. Do it for your kids and for your loved ones as well. And take one dream, one huge dream... and focus on making it come true.

Forget about those nasty coworkers, forget about the long hours at work. Your boss will ALWAYS be a douche (it's not his/her duty to be nice to you). The clients will ALWAYS fuck up your work. Your coworkers will ALWAYS be unorganized and screw up deadlines so you will SOMETIMES get home late. It's working, it's not supposed to be wonderful. You know what is?

Your life, outside your cubicle.

So work hard to leave early enough to enjoy it. Much love, Me.

Bravo Johnson & Johnson!!! Nurses Heal TV Spot

This was amazing to watch. How beautiful!!!

Feel free to cry

Being scared is just a state of mind.

As I sit here enjoying some bit of alcohol during Cinco de Mayo - but not enough drunk enough to go into my I love everybody posts - I realize I haven't written about one key thing that happens to all people who work in advertising.

I'm talking about one word: Fear.

You see, when I started working in this business, something was wrong with me. Although I don't know what it was, I sure know what it felt like: scary. I was scared out of my ovaries. At what? Who the fuck knows? I worked, every single day, scared.

Scared about presenting to people and clients in general. Scared about committing the ultimate sin, a typo. Scared that my concepts sucked donkey balls. Scared that I got to work late. Scared that I went over an hour on my lunch time. Scared that I wasn't creative enough...

It was crippling. This is why I need to write this post, because I know that a lot of students are just joining us and have no idea on how much mistakes they will make, so if I write this, maybe you learn from my mistakes and avoid soooooo much! Does this make sense?

Wait. * Sip from white wine *. Ok, let's move on.

Listen boys and girls. You cannot, and I repeat CANNOT work afraid. You cannot work under the premise that if you don't deliver you will get fired, get a memo or be a failure. You know what? Life is 50-50. You cannot function fearing the worst, all the time. Ad agency life is tough. TOUGH. But you cannot fear the reaper every step of the way.

Get a one hour 10 minute lunch and don't worry so much. Stand up for your concept, even if it's not in strategy - it's not about if you are right or wrong (ok, if you're not on strategy, you're wrong); it's about having some sort of balls and showing them. Scream and fight all you want. Get to work late (once in three months and with a very good excuse). Do a crap ad and own it - it's not your fault, you do not suck, it's just that we are not gems of creativity all the time and it's ok to acknowledge it.

I was one of those who was so afraid of everything, I never truly grew up. It was until the moment I decided to do some very difficult and painful things at one point of my life that I realized that being scared leads to nowhere. You don't move. You don't experience growth. You just stay there. Not being able to move. When I decided that enough was enough, when I faced my fears and went all in, I realized that there were many years when I wasted my career and my opportunities because I didn't believe in myself. How simple, how cruel.

To all my young padawans out there... Don't be afraid. It's ok. Be your best and be your worst. Do one great campaign and three suck beyond belief ads. Let your creative director rip you a new one from time to time, but once in a blue moon, fight for that concept you truly believe will get approved.

So what if someone gets pissed off about your hour and a half lunch time, so what if your ad sucks. Life is not perfect all the time. Neither are all of us.

Be imperfect, have fun. Much love. Me.

How to enjoy a long yet mediocre career in advertising

• Never complain about how much work you have. Smile as much as possible.
• Agree with whatever your supervisor says. You can feign intelligence by saying “I was just thinking that very same thing!” or “You took the words right out of my mouth.”
• Turn your enthusiasm up to 11 when the office drones “celebrate” your birthday.
• Go crazy on the karaoke machine at the office Christmas party.
• Work late every now and then and put in a few weekends during the year.
• Don’t ever gossip.
• Don't ever like whatever the Creative dept. presents. Always say that you have a concern that you cannot express for some reason.
  
• When a colleague has too much work, offer to help, but don’t actually do anything. The important thing is that you offered.
• Show up with a box of Krispy Kreme every now and then.
• Don’t take credit for your achievements. This shows what other people call “humility.”
• Use the jargon du jour: 360 approach; algorithm; three-pronged strategy; umbrella concept; communication pillars; sustainable; socially responsible; network cloud; platform integration; copydeck (as opposed to “text”); graphic identity (as opposed to “logo”)…
• Dress somewhere in the middle of Executive and Creative.
• Don’t be the first one to get to the office in the morning, but don’t be the last.
• Don’t be the last one to leave the office, but don’t be the last.
• Limit yourself to two chain mails a month, with the Subject Line: “I never do this, but…”
• Sacrifice a son’s Goofy Games every other year.
• Be discreet about how much you make. This might mean downplaying your exotic vacation, luxury car, nice house, expensive dining habits, etc.
• Don’t ever partake in an office romance.
• On Christmas, Halloween, Easter, St. Valentine’s Day, put a bowl of candy on your desk.
• Don’t impose your intelligence on others.

Fortune Cookie 500#'s 496-500

Well we got to the finish people. I'd offer up some words to finish up this long series of posts, but it would sound like some bullshit Oscar acceptance speech. I will say that this exercise has helped me put a lot of things into perspective and I just hope you've enjoyed this particular series. There are various others I haven't finished like the Diary of an Advertising Intern and the Adventures of Soppy Copy... Who knows, I may actually get motivated to finish those as well. Regardless, thanks for reading and hope you keep enjoying. And now...for the final 5 fortune cookies.

Cheers

On life
Life is a roller coaster ride and work is the crappy line you have to wait in to enjoy that ride.

On success
Your body is wiser than your brain, always follow your gut.

On love
The fact that you put your career and love in a balance means you need to reprioritize.

On advertising
If most people don’t take your job seriously, why should you?

On fortune cookies
Always remember: knowledge and inspiration can arrive from anywhere.

5 Stupid things I have to have in my office: Me Edition.

It all started with the moment I went berzerk because I didn't have my Post its. I mean... come on! How can a human being work without those little yellow squared sticky papers from heaven? I stopped all that I was doing in search of them, to no avail. The horror: we're out of Post its. Lord in heaven, help me during my time of need. Life has no meaning... this has to get solved, asap.

Food for post. What simple, idiotic and mundane items you cannot live without at your office? What missing items make you lose your damn mind and make life a living hell? Come on, you know you have them. We all do. It's called Item OCD, and we all need certain things close by to know that the day will be easier.

Here is my list. 5 Items that make working bearable. Here... we... go!

1) Post its.
I need the normal square ones. No. Don't you dare come in with those tiny ones. I need the correct size or it won't be pleasurable. No, I don't need them big as hell also. I need them in the way god intended them to be. Squared, perfect. Color is no issue.

2) Gum.
All anxiety is lost when you unwrap a gummy, sticky little strip of cinnamon heaven. If it's able to make bubbles, count me in. No mint flavors please, it makes me go yuck.

3) Three Medium and two Big Ass Sharpies.
Not having them really makes me angry. In fact, in my office a certain someone usually "asks" for them for "just a second" and they go missing. I've had heated discussions about the fact that my Sharpies cannot leave my immediate sight unless someone is in danger. Lay off of my black delicious markers, dammit! Mine! MINE!

4) My Chronometer
Alas, a copywriter CANNOT live without a decent and most kick ass Chronometer. No, your computer clock does not work for timing your spots, trust me. You NEED a decent one that won't break if your Creative Director rams it up your butt for a bad radio copy. You need something durable. My recommendation is to go to any sports store and splurge on a good one. It will be with you almost forever, so don't be cheap.

5) A Wall Calendar
You will not believe this but I need to print it out and place it near my face or I will go nuts. A printed calendar helps you visualize and better manage your time. For all the advances in technology, this is where I draw the line. My calendar needs to have passed on some sort of print machine and has to be hanging near my body. I need to be able to see it, I need to be able to - in a second - tell clients when I am delivering their ads, how much time do I have to make them, etc.

Bonus and Honorable Mention: Beer.
If you are working late, your ad agency needs to make this bearable. I'm not talking about getting shitfaced, but I do think that working after 11pm deserves a cold one. So in my shop, we do have cold beers to be used late at night to make it easier to handle. Besides, after a few ones we've come up with some weird and cool concepts!

There it is. My list of Non-negociable items. Any of these go missing and you will have a very disturbed Me. Maybe I will not function very well, maybe I will just stop working, get on a car, get my stuff and come back.

Again. I'm serious. Don't touch my sharpies.

Much love, Me.

A world Sans Osama Bin Laden.

Um. Is it Usama or Osama?

Wait. WHO THE FUCK CARES?

Let me start off by saying a very well deserved Congratufuckinglations to all the brave men and women in the armed forces!!! How 'bout them amazing killing, mein friends! You brought to justice one - if not THE SINGLE ONE - most evil motherdouchebag in all mankind, only second to Hitler!

Yeah, I don't give a rat's ass if you think that we should not celebrate the death of a human being. Tell that to all the people who have lost loved ones in all of his operations. In fact, YOUR LIFE has been affected by this low life scum example of a human being (I don't even think he deserves to be called a human), so you know what, pop that champagne bottle and say cheers, 'cause at least I'm celebrating the fact that there is ONE LESS MASS MURDERER FUCK walking this earth. Period.

You don't think he (and his organization) affected our day to day? Let's go back in time and try to remember what it was like, shall we?

Before Bin Laden...

• You could go on a plane with a shitload of water, cologne, toothpaste, sodas or any sort of liquid/cream. Now try to get that Old Spice in that flight, and you will get your ass chewed, big time.

• You could talk about politics, you could joke that you had a bomb, you could even wait in line and talk about your neighbor being a terrorist without getting nailed in security or even get arrested or questioned.

• You were not that afraid to get on a plane or thought that every weirdo in it could actually kill you.

• You could get late to the airport and sort of make it to your flight.

• You would not fear a forgotten bag in a subway, or a street.

• There was NO color coded terror alert of any kind. You either knew that a country was having problems or not. You didn't have to "wonder" what could happen when traveling.

• You could walk the plane back and forth all that you wanted without worrying half of the people in it.

• You could use your electronics at the end of a flight without explaining to anyone that it was made by Apple, not by a fucker Jihad idiot.

• You didn't know about the virgins and suicide bombers. And if you would have, you would not know how much idiotic this premise is.

• The news were a little bit nicer, not geared to scare you out of your body.

So there you go, there it is, life was much easier and happier. It will never be like that again, but still, I am damn glad those brave men and women erased that evil man our of earth, forever.

Suck my balls, Al-Qaeda.

Seth Meyers at the 2011 White House Correspondents' Dinner

Fortune Cookie 500#'s 491-495

On work hours
Just because it’s a dayjob doesn’t mean we have to spend the ENTIRE day at the job.

On hacks
Mediocrity should be punished by law, not rewarded with promotions.

On your job
You are not defined by what you produce.

On balance
More work means less you.

On excellence
A job well done should not mean a life poorly lived.