May 30, 2012

The 50 Shades dilemma: Why Men don't get it.

As you all might know, there is a craze out there for the 50 Shades of Grey books. Many people are buying this book - well, I should say women - and men are left wondering what is it about this so called Mommy Porn that is making women so crazy hooked. It's not so complicated... and it's all YOUR FAULT, dudes.

Romance novels have existed since I don't know when. I used to read them when I was a kid, I accept it with pride. I think you can't be a chick without reading at least one of those crappy books. I can't remember why I did it, I was just a teenager. Maybe I figured out that when I got to be an adult, my life would be that way... all roses and beautiful romantic lines coming my way. I was so wrong...

So here I am, ready to explain what is the hype all about. Why your woman or your friend is reading like there is no tomorrow... why that Steve Jobs book is not that important right now. Am I reading the book? Hell yeah! Curiosity killed the cat, so I needed to know what the fuck could I find that makes women buy those books in bulk. And two or three hot and steamy chapters later, I got it. It's all the men's fault. Yeah. You. You're to blame for this. Let me explain.

You men out there sometimes don't get this simple fact: women take care of every damn thing. We make sure the bills are paid, the kids ate, the supermarket list is checked... we do shit every single day and you sometimes do not take into account how much stuff we have to do. Yeah, you do help out, you do contribute. But let's be honest, the women in this century have been doing their business almost alone. Don't believe me? Think about your wife or your girlfriend and imagine her without you. Would she be able to live perfectly and not skip a beat? Sure she would. Here comes the book to screw you over, big time.

You can forget about the plot of the book, even the sex. Yeah. There is plenty of it, the only difference is that in Walgreens-bought romance novels, the... um... places are named "special place" and "love sword" - while in this book... well... those places have names, dammit, and the author uses them. In detail. Properly, I guess.

But I digress. The thing that is making women go so ape shit crazy is very simple: while we take charge in our daily, boring day to day, women can escape to a world where men take care of them. Where, for a split second, they can imagine that they are the sexiest being that walks the Earth. Where they are irresistible, no matter what they do or what they say. Do you get it? For some strange reason, a middle aged TV executive dreamt up a story where a man is totally obsessed about a young girl, takes care of her and cannot get enough of her... and women all over the world get it.

So why is it the men's fault? I guess it's the fairy tale part. We all can remember what it felt like when you first started dating your loved one, what you had to do to get us hooked, I guess. The flowers, the romantic beach getaway afternoons, the amazing things you said... In time, you stop talking about how beautiful and sexy she is, and instead you find yourself talking about if she paid the phone bill or is it your turn to go to the pharmacy to buy the soap that just ran out this morning. Those days where you got laid in the kitchen or the sofa are long gone because the kids might hear you... you get the idea? The romantic dinners are hard to do because of the budget or just time constraints... and there you will find your woman, reading away, lost in a book about a man who does all that and more.

For me, I'm counting my blessings because - and I mean this truly - it just reminds me of my husband. I don't know if we've been hit by a miracle, but we have the same passion, we have the same romantic nights every single week, we find enjoying our company so much more. We make it a priority not to get bored, to fight the mundane, the repetitive. Just today we found ourselves looking at each other with a mix of true love and passion, and I smiled and said "I still get butterflies after all these years". True story. And maybe the kitchen floor has not been used like in the book, but that doesn't mean that it's not a possibility. Hey, come on. We don't have kids and we're still bendy. *giggle*

All I'm saying is... sometimes men forget. And you should really think about it. It's not that your woman is substituting you for Christian Grey... it's that she's remembering what you had at one point.

What's my point then? Go out there tomorrow and shower her with flowers - and no, she likes flowers even if she gives you this bullshit about not needing them. Plan a hot date and soon - and don't be a jackass about the bill, take her to a great place. Get her laid properly, and by that I mean more than 3 minutes and in silence, followed by sleep. Tell her how beautiful she is and mean it. Not just the boring I love you, but the really I feel it I love you. Try to remember what you did to get her in the first place and repeat it all over again. Not just tomorrow, and I sure don't mean every day 'cause that would be sick also. Just... remember to do it.

She just might put the book down and get you laid.

Happy Screwing around. Me.

PS: Single friend reading it? Um... She's just horny. Laters, baby.


RestrictionsApply said...

An interesting point you present, but I'm gonna side with the lonely, horny, low self-esteem women surrounding me who can't get enough of the book.

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