Anal Sex and other stories: What RestrictionsApply hears at his office.

Every Thursday, if we can, Restrictions, my husband and I sit together to yap about whatever comes to mind. Last week, while I was trying - emphasis on trying - to finish my salad, all I was listening was to the horrible things the women in his office talk about. You see, in Res' office, there are a shitload of women and he's the only guy. And for some reason, they ignore the fact that he's there - and most of all, that those types of conversations should NOT be done at work, they start to talk about... well... anything and everything. I sat there listening to what he has to endure over the years, and I could not believe this.


He sent me this short note on what he has to endure. My comments, if any, are below.

I am the only person with a penis at my office. I have been given the gift of working 10 to 12 hours a day with women. Divorced, married, single, and overweight, in shape, tall, short, black, white, rich, poor, old and young… I have them all. Among the “privileges” I enjoy in this scenario is listening to their morning and afternoon rants.

Here is a list of valuable nuggets I’ve learned over the past five years; an insider’s guide to Female Wisdom:

• Anal sex hurts at first. You should practice with a banana, but warm it up first in the microwave for about 35 seconds.

I even called him back on this one and asked... Peeled or not? This question haunts me, I can only now dream of some idiot chick with half a banana stuck in her in the hospital. Jesus H. Christ.

• A blowjob does not constitute as sex.

WHAT? I'm just handshaking or something? The fuck?

• “Mary’s” husband has huge testicles but an average-size penis.

• Sex is more enjoyable when you exercise routinely.

And/or if you're drunk.

• “Elizabeth” hasn’t had sex in seven years.

No man would date a woman who talks about semen or balls at work.

• “Christina” prefers a bit of pubic hair on her taco; “Virginia” prefers the full wax/laser depilation treatment, including removing the stray hairs around her anus.

But why do they need to compare notes on this? Do men talk about this shit as well?

• The only bad part of giving head is getting his pubes stuck in your teeth.

This is so wrong, in so many levels... I lost count. Is she munching on it or something? 

• Semen has a low calorie count.

Compared to what? A low cal beer?

• Only sluts lose their virginity in high school. Good girls wait until college.

But what if I banged a shitload of men at college? Does that make me a Good Slut?

• “Janice” cheats on her husband all the time; “Sheila” prefers older guys; “Karen” likes them scruffy-looking

• “Terry” feels that sex during menstruation is gross. Everyone else disagrees.

So they had a group talk about this theme. Great. Pass me the coffee.

• You should never discuss your one-night stands

Wrong. You should never discuss your exes. Period.

• Diets are meant to be broken, and often are

Well semen has a low calorie count, so there you go.

• “Alice” (over 40 years old) had her boobs done when she was 18. She can’t wait to get them removed.

And she'll never will. She's just saying that so you can comment on her boobs and how wonderful they are. Don't.

• (Other) married men are so damn appealing

With money, yes.

• Useful Tip: Women should always carry female urine cones in their purse

Where the FUCK are these chicks going and how difficult hitting a bathroom really is in this century? FUCK!

• It’s just not the same when he wears a condom

Um... they're right. Sorry.

So there you go. That's what a group of women talk about in an ad agency near you. If you have more outrageous lines, by all means send them at adssuck@gmail.com. We love to gossip.

Much love and ashamed for women in general, RestrictionsApply & Me.