Have you ever had a half cooked meal... the rice is still hard; the meat didn’t get to its point, everything is raw and sucks, well that’s what Solar Babies is as a movie. To celebrate the return of Guilty Pleasures to my life, I had to start with this film. You see, not everyone has seen it and once you have... you’ll also ask yourself what the fucking point of the movie was.
In a dystopian future, there is water control since water is not abundant, as water once was, because water is a commodity as only water can be.
If that sentence sucks in its structure, you get an idea of how the movie goes. In a world in a future where water is scarce, there are orphanages, which are more like prisons, yet everyone is allowed to skate. Among the kids in the orphanage, you have a rough little crew of short short wearing lilac color loving kids who call themselves the Solar Babies. These kids play roller ball where if you play outside the confines of the orphanage... there are no rules... In the first two minutes of the movie, they face off and put to shame the scorpions... guess whether they’re good guys or bad guys.... exactly.
That’s how obvious some things in this movie are... which surprises since so much of it makes no sense and almost expects you to know what the fuck is going on. Obviously there are three antagonists, the evil warden who wears blue grey leather fatigues, the evil beautiful woman, clad all in white (Ursula from Superman lore), and a distant descendant from the Kobrakai, who is dumb, mean, mysogynistic, AND has a blonde mullet.
To boot, you have names that put those in modern day RPGs to shame. Shit like Darstar, Metron, Terra and a mystical wonderball called Bodai... ok, I’m not insulting someone calling them a wonderball... there is actually a character in the movie which is a glowing ball... where does it come from? No one knows. What does it do, you may ask. Well there a whole lot it does.
Does it glow?
Why yes! Check.
Does it roll?
Of course, it’s a ball.
Does it float?
You bet your ass!
Does it disintegrate and rematerialize at will?
Does it cure deafness?
Heavens to betsy, it does!
Does it disappear at the end of the movie without really explaining its purpose?
OH LOHDY LOHDY IT DOES!
So what else can you expect from Solar Babies? What can be the selling point for you to watch this steaming pile? Well a couple of things.
First off, if you click here, you’ll go to the movie, which is on youtube, so it’s free.
Second off, you’ll see about 4 explosion sequences that are completely unnecessary, but you need explosions for a good movie, right?
You’ll hear retarded dialogue and quotes such as “Say hello to sparky!” just to name one. You’ll see the appearance of a father figure who shows up on a painting and has about 2 minutes on air time before being cast into the valley of plotholes... oh yeah, did I mention the plot holes? You’re gonna love trying to keep up with this fucker.
Characters flit in and out of the movie, there’s a futuristic dystopian funhouse that is as illogical as the movie, there’s a bunch of lame skate sequences, there’s a virtual ant torture scene ripped RIGHT FROM DUNE! There’s mystical sand warriors that do not fight, there’s an e police, there’s a sexy guy with a dreadlock and an owl that gets killed, there is awful music including a track about the danger zone and how the only way to escape it is through love, and of course... there’s a token black guy that has to dance with Bodai.
If you’re craving what the fuckness of a magnitude that could only come from the 80’s, you have to see this film.