Stuff I Wish I Had the Balls to Do (But Don’t For Fear Of Getting Arrested or Shot)

1. Hand out doggy bags to every fucker walking their dog that doesn’t pick up after their shit.

2. Deactivate all car alarms and car horns.

3. Spray paint the following on the windshields of illegally/annoyingly parked cars: “NICE JOB, ASSHOLE!”

4. Use a device to cancel out all cellphone signals when at the cinema.

5. Use a device to implode all boom boxes at the beach.

6. Kill all stray cats in my neighborhood.

7. Dump the neighbor’s dog’s shit back on their lawn.

8. Purposefully crash into people who can’t drive worth a shit.

9. Honk my horn at all police and “official” vehicles that don’t obey the rules of the road (running stoplights, cruising the emergency lane, etc.)

10. Stuff a sock into the mouths of all screaming babies.