How to advertise diet things correctly. Basically, LIE.

Five Type of Women that Annoy: Me.

That's it. Ladies, I'm about to betray you. Nah, nah. It's not my fault. It's other bitches out there, real low life scum ovary-carrying humans who give the rest of us normal chicks a real bad name. Today, I'm going to commit the sin of writing a good tell all to the few good men out there. Why? 'Cause I'm tired of seeing great, amazing dudes get fucked over - and not in a wham bam thank you Mam way. I can't see another sad guy who doesn't deserve some shit from a fucked up chick!

So listen up, guys out there. I'm going to give you a list of women that YOU NEED TO AVOID. I'll give you as much information about them so you can spot them from afar and run the other way. Trust me, guys. If you are nice, tender, cool and not a douche, you don't deserve a nightmare of a woman. Maybe it's because there are so few good men out there that I get so angry when I see a good man down over a (insert really bad c-word that relates to woman here). Learn from that mistake, forget the bitch and move forward. And if not, use this guide to happiness. Here we go: in no particular order, the five type of women you should never, EVER, date.

1) The Thirty year old that doesn't want to commit.
In other words, this dudette wants schlong and just not only yours. Mind you, the age has to click with this rule. A twenty year old is still looking at her options... but if she's thirty something and she's still sampling dudes to see which is her knight in shining armor... it's just that she wants to fuck around. PERIOD. Did she have a bad divorce or separation? Maybe she can be scared shitless (I was, so I know what I'm talking about). But still, I wanted to move forward and settle down. At this age, new penises are not that interesting anymore. (Insert pause here: I actually had to research the plural of penis. Epic.) Oh wait, I need to add another thing. Maybe she doesn't want to commit - because she just still isn't at that moment in her life. Sure. Right. So she's an immature idiot who at a moment in her life which she's supposed to have things figured out, she is not that interested in doing it. Move on.

2) The Chick who "Gives You Permission" to do shit.
Let me say this as blunt as possible. You are not supposed to screw or date your Mom, right? Nope. Then don't substitute the idea of your mother with some random chick. In a relationship, asking permission to do shit is the one thing I keep watching men after men do - and the one thing that pisses me off the most. It's one thing that there are women who are ballsy and like to take charge - that I can totally understand. But there's another thing of having a woman pussy-whip so much a guy that he ends up looking just like a non-sexual entity. DUDES! You need to say that shit is going down. Announce that you are doing whatever you are doing once in a while. Don't ask, just announce. Don't call every twenty minutes, get lost once in while for a couple of hours. Go out with your guy friends and call later! Go out and call from the bar, saying that you'll be home late. You know... do shit! It's about being partners, and equality goes both ways. It's not a complete insult to do shit on your own or just say that you are going to do whatever you want - hey, I'm not telling you to get lost and forget that you have someone waiting for you at home. I'm saying that there is no need to have a deep conversation about if it's ok to go somewhere or do something for a minute once in a while. When she goes out for a mani, does she ask you if it's ok with you? No, right? Ah, now you get the point. Good.

3) The Girl who cries Victim every single time.
Oh no, it's not my fault. I'm perfect and you are wrong. How could you do this to me? I treat you like a king and this is what you give in return? I deserve much more than this... Feel familiar? Yeah, it's called being a victim. I'm a dansel in distress and you are the fucker who caused it. Well listen up, boys. It's just a ploy to make you feel bad and end up giving up. The argument usually will stop at this point because there is no man out there who will let a woman feel bad or feel like she's being hurt. You are gentlemen, but sometimes women take advantage of that shit, they know which button to push and bingo, there you are, you bad man, you're making her feel sad instead of taking care and protecting her. Don't fall for that shit! If she is wrong, she has to admit her faults. If she doesn't or usually pins it all to you, then pack your bags, guys. She's not worth your time. She will NEVER admit anything, she will never say that she did something wrong. Admitting your mistakes and your faults is the most wonderful thing a person can do because BOTH people in the relationship learn. Making one feel bad, even if it is or not your fault is just rotten.

4) The No-Trust-whatsoever Dudette.
Trust is something you lose. Every relationship - at least a very normal and good one - starts off with two  people, trusting each other. If someone fucks up, then it's perfectly normal for the other to not trust. But if you are with a woman that no matter what you do, she always wants to check and double check who you were with, at what hour you arrived, at what hour you left... then you, my sweet dude, have a psycho in your hands. And you know what? It will only get worst! If you are a decent guy who has no interest in exploring the strange and weird world of extracurricular sexual activities outside your home, then you don't deserve to be treated as such. If you are a loyal guy, then try to find out someone who is so sure of herself and her power that she doesn't need to feel scared if you go out alone for a couple of hours. And beware... maybe all that no trust thing is just a reflection on what she's doing or feeling... if you know what I mean... Yup. Moving on.

5) The "Here's my 5 Dollars, Johnny" Chick.
And here will end the lesson, my dear men out there, with the most important of all: the chick who does not earn even a little bit of money, and that you end up supporting financially. This might get me in a shitload of trouble, but I'm going to say it anyways. Some women out there latch on to men who support them so that it's a way for you to not leave. If you are my savior, my man of men, the single dude who is there to pay for my life, support me and I just give you my Five Dollars - this is an old Eddie Murphy joke, look it up - then when you want to leave, you won't. It's like some women out there who call out that they are pregnant so you don't leave them (oh yes, it still happens and quite a lot) - by making them financially dependable, all you will end up is with a woman who thinks she got you by the balls. Remember: nice decent men feel like they need to provide for their family, and it's totally natural for you to feel that way. But when women take that to manipulate you... then say goodbye to your balls, because she's got them grabbed and she won't let go.

Why did I do this? I'm very angry at one chick who made one of my dearest friends very sad. Did she do any of these items? Yup. Is he a wonderful guy who doesn't deserve it? Yes. Do I want this to happen again? Nope. I don't want my friend to ever endure this shit again and while I'm writing, I want you to learn about what women do to fuck men up. Maybe you'll read this and go "Hmmm" or maybe you will dismiss this. But one day... you will remember this post... because I was right.

Not all the women out there are bad. But some just give the rest of us a real bad name.

Much love and avoid the rotten apples. And to my sweet guy... Me loves you long time. Just say the word, and I'll make her sleep with the fishes.

PS: Am I a saint? No way. I have issues like any other person. But at least the headaches that I give my soon to be husband are not related to any of the previous crap problems that I mentioned. Are mine worst? Hey, that's his problem. Don't you worry, he deals with them. :P

Shit New Yorkers Say.

Fuck Floyd and Bob: how negotiations kill enthusiasm in boxing

I’ve kept pretty quiet up to now, but yet again I find myself talking about the human underwear stain known as Floyd Mayweather. As if the previous two occasions on which negotiations for a Pacquiao-Mayweather fight haven’t been enough, they just HAD to take it up a notch and show their true colors.

First off, fuck you Bob Arum: That’s been a long while in the making and I have a few reasons for my heated opinion. First off, still backing up Antonio Margarito after they found him with loaded gloves is reason enough to elicit my hate. Margarito shouldn’t be allowed in the ring, and anyone who thinks otherwise is biased or blind. What he did was against the law and should have been punished by the law, not the weak ass wrist slap he received. That Arum is still pushing Margarito and huffing down wads of cash is a testament that he’s as bad as Don King, except less colorful and with a more normal haircut. Second on the list of why I think Bob should cut the shit is his handling of Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. Put him in the ring with Sergio Martinez or stop saying he’s the shit. He isn’t his father though he’s not a shit fighter either, but his fame is based on a bloated record and name recognition, period. That Arum is ballsy enough to say that Martinez isn’t that good is just an insult to every boxing fan. As if that weren’t enough, his fucking round robin treatment of only matching his fighters against each other to maximize revenue is disgusting. We want the best matches made. We want entertainment. We don’t want a more realistic wrestling arena where results are staged to maximize revenue. As for Floyd vs. Manny, Arum did his fair share for the fight to not happen, starting with his claim that Manny wouldn’t be able to fight on that day because of a cut, then saying that the fighting would require an outdoor arena made specifically for the event, etc., etc., etc. Bob, your excuses are getting as old as you greed breeds dissatisfaction.

Secondly, fuck you Floyd Mayweather, Jr.: at the beginning of 2011, I didn’t think I could hate Floyd any more… BOY was I fucking wrong. Apart from his negotiating shenanigans, the legal cheapshot knockout of Victor Ortiz was nauseating. I didn’t see the entire fight because as a fan, I refused to give one fucking cent to Money Douche. But I saw the replay… and it showed just the type of classy guy Floyd is. To boot, he FINALLY got charged and convicted for one of the various things he’s been alleged to do, which includes: domestic battery, illegal possession of arms, tax evasion, assault, coercion, and the list goes on… they probably took a look at the laundry list and picked the smallest one on the list and now he serves 84 days in jail. For years, Floyd has played the heel, he’s avoided opposition and has gone far enough down the trenches to contradict himself even for his next fight. In case you didn’t know, he’s apparently facing Miguel Cotto for his stipulated May 5 fight; a fighter he once dubbed as a C-Class fighter. Before deciding on the Cotto bout (which could change any minute with this chump stain), we were treated to yet another round of Will they Fight, cock teasing the public into yet another frenzy over the speculated fight with Manny Pacquiao. This time there were tweets, there were callouts for Manny to step up punk and yet again, there’s not going to be a fight. One of the main things is that Floyd doesn’t think Pacquiao deserves a 50/50 split in the purse…………………………………………………………. This from a guy who sucker punched his way to victory last time around. It seems that in this entire equation the only guy who really wants the fight is Manny… and I’m not even sure of that anymore.

Now instead of the fight of the millennium, we’re going to get Floyd vs. Cotto… whoo fucking hooo…. And Manny vs. Lamont Peterson or Timothy Bradley (the second one being the likeliest) and Juan Manuel Marquez as a potential opponent for a 4th time. Honestly, the best fight would be a rematch against Marquez or Against Peterson with Bradley coming in 4th. Simply put, styles make fights and though Bradley is the top guy in 140 lbs., I’m not a huge fan. As for Manny vs. Peterson, Lamont seriously should rematch against Amir Khan before being sacrificed to the Philippino.

As for me, here’s hoping for more fights like Alfredo Angulo vs. James Kirkland. THAT was one hell of a fight made to please the fans, not the promoters and there needs to be a hell of a lot more of that going around.

Cheers

Five things that clients do that annoy: Me

Today was certainly not a good day. Let's rejoice, shall we? Here are the five things that currently make me want to kill someone, spit at their dead body and walk away jumping from joy. In no particular order:

1) When the only feedback is "I don't like it".
No, douche, it doesn't work like that. You have to tell me what's wrong - although I know that the problem is that you suck as a person who evaluates ads, but hey, that is for me to know. In order for me to get the ad just like you want it, you have to be a little bit more specific, buttmuncher. You either tell me what's on your mind or we keep playing the "let's guess what kind of ad you want" game. And honestly, that game sucks.

2) When you tell me it's a simple change.
If it's so simple, let me ask you a question: why don't you do it yourself and save a buck or two, huh? Yeah, 'cause you know how much time we spend making changes! I forgot! Everyone's a graphic artist or a copywriter!!! If you can draw a circle or type, we have a bingo. Just move something or delete some words and bingo, it's just a mechanical thing. Yeah. Right.

3) When you ask me if I can do it for less money.
I keep repeating myself year after year. Fuck this, I'm doing the supermarket thing. Yeah, you read it perfectly. I'm going to the supermarket and telling them that I'm paying less for the milk, because I just feel like a cheap bastard. No no, my time is totally not worth THIS amount of money, in fact, go ahead and tell me what do you want to pay and I'll just lay here while you nail me.

4) When you call and call and call and call and call.
There is no greater sound, trust me, than you calling me minute after minute, giving me change after change. No, go ahead and change your mind a million times. It's not like I'm doing anything else. Who likes to work organized, for Christ sake? Naaaah. Let's just do a clusterfuck of changes which make no sense whatsoever, and in the meantime give me so much confusing information, that I'm bound to make a mistake or two... so then you can feel great shouting at me later. Great!

5) The award winner: sending changes and asking for jobs at 7:45 pm.
I would like to announce that I am a terminator. Yeah. If you thought that I was human, then ha, the joke is on you. I don't require sleep. I don't need food. I don't need to relax, screw around, watch some tv and rest like the rest of you homo sapiens. Nope, some clients out there think that at night is where I am the most happy and productive, so the emails come dancing in from 7pm and later. You can imagine that I don't feel absolutely no pressure or anxiety, since hey, I can't feel a damn thing. I am made of liquid metal. Model FU-1000. Come with me if you want to live.

So there it is. It's Wednesday and as you can see, I'm furious. I find this to be such an insult, creatives and ad people in general are sometimes treated like slaves, man. I find myself sitting at my desk, looking at one more ad, looking at the phone ringing and ringing and ringing... and when moments like these happen, I forget how much I used to like this business and just want to quit.

Today is one of those days when the name of this blog makes total sense to me...

Much love from a very tired Me.