Apr 14, 2014

Shit concerto in F Minor

I remember when I lost my work poop cherry… that time when my sphincter and my colon looked at me with somber eyes and said, we can’t hold it in Cap’n, we gotta push it out. It was not a pleasant experience for many reasons, though that’s another post for another day because obviously this will not be the only shit post to be had in the following months.

No, this is not about the first time my ass cheeks were touched by foreign plastic. This is about bathrooms with more than one stall and why I can’t deal with it. It’s one thing to have to shit at work. It’s another thing altogether to have to shit with company.

When my colonic zen moment has been interrupted by another fecal flinger, I’ve known to suck it up (literally) and hold it in for later. I suspect I’m not the only one to have this happen because let’s face it, shit shyness happens.

Some people could give half a fuck whether they have to shit in front of their moms. Logs must be released from the bowel beaver dam. The interesting part is when people shit with reckless abandon in tandem. It’s almost as if it’s a duel of the shits. It’s an epic battle of who can splatter and splash worse than the other and who can generate the more powerful biofuel to chemically assault their crapper counterpart.

It’s fucking epic. It’s like two thunder gods throwing caution to the wind and woe to anyone who isn’t wise enough to hold their piss for another time. I’ve had to pee under these conditions and it was a true test of how much I could multitask while holding my breath and controlling audible reactions.

I can’t do that shit, literally. My shit is a loner shit, it is a shy shit, it is a tender shit that wants to share an intimate moment with me while I scroll down my Twitter feed. Still, props to those people who can do it because it takes a special kind of fucker to shit louder than the person next to them, and an even more peculiar brand of asshole to write about it.



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