Aug 30, 2014

Hoop-de-doo for that email you sent at odd hours

Some people really are wayyyy too efficient at patting themselves on the back. They send emails at 11:00 PM or at 5:30 AM and think that means something; as if they’re more professional, more responsible or just a better employee for doing that…

Let’s stop that little train of thought right there and set some things straight. 

Working late or working early does not automatically make you better. Odds are quite high you are either short on time, you’re not well organized or you’re just a workaholic.

Emailing at odd hours is also not a sign of commitment to your job. It’s you executing your functions at odd hours. 

Nothing more, nothing less. 

Don’t get all poetic and melodramatic, this isn’t a sacrifice. You just sent an email.

That’s another thing, people call sending emails "working". I’m not saying it’s not an important function, but clicking fwd and writing FYI is not exactly rocket science. 

However, clear instructions, no back and forth or flip flopping… THAT’S working, THAT’S commendable and that’s also exactly what most people DON’T do especially in those late night or early morning emails. 

So kindly, click save draft and save us the drama. 

It's the Final Countdown

Last days of online advertising mayhem
before we say sayonara to this blog.


Aug 25, 2014

If we have to ask, you didn’t explain correctly

In a dog-email-dog world such as the one we live in, it becomes increasingly clear that people don’t want to look each other in the face… Ok, I’m game… but could you please explain things neatly, concisely and clearly... just at least once in a while... maybe? Please?

In the jobs we have it’s almost silly to see how shitty we are at communicating. Half the emails we receive require a clarification... last I checked, that’s sucking at communicating. Still, people are in such a rush to get the ball rolling that they don’t take the time to properly explain something before clicking send.

And that’s the thing: we’re always in a constant state of rush... and it isn’t conducive to anything positive... it’s a waste of time and you end up wasting time by not being clear.... I could go on a rant, but seriously... the point is made so let’s move on to the next one.


Aug 22, 2014

Call me when you want to get to the point

Some people just LOVE to fucking ramble. In today’s world, keeping attention is a challenge in and of itself. Between our cell phones, our emails, Tweeting about life, taking pictures of food on Instagram, taking a porno peek and life in general, this A.D.D. generation multitasks not because it’s trendy or cool, but because it is nowadays genetically inclined to do so.

So why the hell does one person not understand that if they have one thing to say, taking 25 minutes to say so is poor time management? You can buy bitcoins, gold, stocks and trade but in the end nothing is more valuable than time... and to have someone squander this precious commodity, well that’s unacceptable.

- If you aren’t sure how to explain what you need to talk about, don’t come over.

- If the “it’ll take just 5 minutes” rule will be broken, don’t come over.

- If you want to mix in this topic with three others, don’t come over.

- If you see that I’m busy and that you are not, don’t come over.

It’s not that I’m not willing to engage in conversation, it’s just that people who don’t get to the point get on my nerves for several reasons. This is time I could be spending with my wife or with my mom. It’s time I could be investing in writing. I could catch up with friends, or I dunno, leave at a humane hour... but no... someone has someone they have to say... they’re just not sure how to say it.......... fun times.

Aug 20, 2014

The long lost art of selling

With the advent of Internet shopping being the norm nowadays, going to a store can feel like you’re passing a kidney stone. People are not motivated, they’re jaded, they’re distracted by their cell phones and they’d pretty much just rather not be there... unless they’re from a past generation that knew how to sell and enjoyed it.

I bought my car at a dealership. The man who showed me the car had  biblical patience and even when I said I’d go check some other cars, he gave me a smile, wrote down the hours he worked on a business card and told me that regardless of what I decided he wished me the best. John had been kind, well informed, attentive and had been able to gauge me perfectly... he knew how to sell to me and I’m sure he could sell a car to any type of person... this is his craft, and kindness, information and a helpful attitude goes a long way into purchasing something that’s worth several thousand dollars.

I went to another dealership... the dynamic was off to say the least culminating with a manager basically asking if I was serious about purchasing a car because she wasn’t interested in wasting her time crunching numbers if I wasn't interested... Nice and needless to say, didn't buy the car there. .

I ended up at the first place and told the manager that the older man who had been so helpful was the main reason I had returned. The manager had been kind as well, but John was the reason and I wanted him to know that and once I signed my papers, I made sure to look him up and say thank you and that HE made a difference.

At Cakebread Cellars in Napa Valley, my first tour with my wife came courtesy of Bob... Bob is past 60, he’s kind, cool, and knows how to work a crowd, he’s also still been one of the best tour guides I’ve enjoyed... because he likes what he does. I went to a few other tastings and there were a mixed bag, though something was apparent with Bob, the tour from Schramsburg and my tasting at Robert Hunter Winery... you are the most important thing in each of these places and older people were beyond helpful, patient and kind.

Recently I went with my wife to check for a new mattress.... this isn’t a pair of sneakers, this is about a $1,200 investment... and the first place we went to yesterday, an older man, past 60 easily was the one who took the time to show us every damn bed we could fancy. He explained meticulously, he was kind, jotted down emails so we could compare and told us all the benefits of his product, and did so with pride. Afterwards we went to a Sears, where twenty minutes in, we left because no one offered to help... the difference in age was yet again apparent.

Firstly, I’m not saying young people don’t know how to sell, Coben Alexander at Terra Valentine Winery is brilliant and one of the top two experiences in Napa Valley and he’s in his mid 30’s tops. At a place I went to last night for drinks, the median age is 33 and everyone is a professional. But it tends to be that real professionals gravitate towards each other and that the average twenty something or thirty year old working in retail or offering services isn’t really into it... or maybe it’s just a greater degree of jaded pricks that have come into my path. What I do know is that older salesmen have panache, style and the will to make you happy and comfortable enough to commit to thousands of dollars... so every time someone says I’m oldschool, I take that as a huge compliment, because when it all comes down to it, the best salespeople and the best professionals are the ones who genuinely want to help and make a difference.

Here’s to the professionals who keep tried and true values so that it’s worthwhile to visit a store rather than shop like a complete sociopath.

Aug 18, 2014

Wrath of the Forwarders

One of my life complaints is the presence and existence of people who insist on just clicking fwd to petitions and requests without reading one word of what is being requested. Or OK, let’s be generous, for only reading the first line of a request. Today marks yet another fucking example of me having to give the bad news that what is being requested can’t be done.

When you show the layout and signal what is being requested and why it can’t be done, that’s when the fun starts because you are met with a gorsh face, surprised at what is being asked. Fuckhole, read what you forward because you’ll save us all time and effort and make people work for their pay check rather than try my patience by realizing I can’t do what is being asked.

Some people get paid for clicking fwd to things. No thought, no analysis, no filter, no critical thinking, just a chain letter pusher… and if y’all want us to think otherwise, then man the fuck up.

Aug 11, 2014

It just doesn’t fucking fit, is that clear enough?

Clients of all likes in life in every single industry swear that every communication needs more information. In an era where people have SHORTER attention spans, read LESS and want things to be more DIRECT, you’d think they would have learned by now.


True to form, clients send revisions that defy the laws of physics, namely to do with mass conversion, volume and capacity.

To illustrate, if your add/letter/editorial holds a definite amount of words and it already looks maxed out, they say eliminate the equivalent of Y and want to add 2 x Y…. so what do you think will happen?

A. It will be glorious, everyone will read it and you have saved the day. Hooray you.

B. You will begin a back and forth “conversation” with the people working on the artwork and they will not bend the laws of physics to your will.

Clients don’t want to understand the limitations of an artwork because we’ve accustomed them to making things work. Ok, so what happens when something doesn’t work? What happens when you can't weasel your way out of an ass chewing because you promised a deliverable that will not and cannot be delivered? The end of the world? Will you lose the account?

Neither… you will have a shitty day for not being frank and clarifying expectations and the never ending war with your creative team will ensue.

So next time a dick petition is being suggested to be rammed up the ass of a communication, instead of suggesting numbing lubricant, consider the less painful alternative of saying no and saying the truth... it doesn’t fit.

Aug 7, 2014

There is no Bogeyman

Oh my there are so many bogeymen in advertising, it’s ridiculous.

“The client asked for this change. The creative director didn’t approve. The CEO just happened to see this, and he thinks we should change this to this.”

I’ve heard just so many bullshit stories that I’m amazed people still believe them. I’ve heard execs lie through their teeth, me call them on their bullshit, them insist they were telling the truth and later have clients AND internal personnel call them on their bullshit, thus losing any credibility they thought they had. You see, when some people want to change something because they want to have a say in your work, they will say just about anything to convince you to make the change. And I mean anything.

I’ve heard that the president from the client’s company was thinking about putting the account on review and that the latest artwork was the straw that broke the camel’s back… I write this and have to laugh at the memory of this person’s conviction in their bullshit story. And like this sorry bastard, I’ve met dozens of professionals who rather than negotiate and enter a dialogue would rather just scare you into doing a change, even if it’s detrimental to a layout, a campaign or a brand… JUST because they’re following their gut.

I’ve tried to follow my gut many times and in these occasions, it is completely asserted in its assessment because let’s face it, bullshit of such magnitude will make even the most tolerant person sick.
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