Apr 18, 2014

Boxes and molds

Can someone please explain the obsession of breaking the mold and thinking outside the box? I hear it from all fucking sides. Everyone in stereo clamoring for the revolutionary ideas that will yield results and save the account.

Well here’s something you don’t hear every day:

There’s nothing wrong with the mold or thinking within the box.

Before you decide to become all righteous with your moustache an d shower me with patchouli droppings, hear me out. I’m NOT saying don’t question the quo and don’t push boundaries. Not at all, when you have the chance to do this, the client with the budget and the balls then fucking go for it. In the meantime, accept that many clients are not willing to risk something without a guaranteed ROI (Return of Investment).

Also, before you come bitching that you don’t get to do anything fun, accept one thing… the box and the mold offer more space than you care to admit. But it’s the act of NOT being a Maverick or a rebel that fucking kills you.

Drop your ego, dispense with the drama and show just how much you can do within the confines of established normalcy. Show results, get the numbers, show them who’s the fucking expert and all the time tell them that with a little more risk, they could get double the rewards. If they don’t bite, it’s Ok, it’s not the end of the world, it’s just a job… and that’s the other reminder: this is just a job.

Apr 16, 2014

Redo Resend Repeat

Fuck reduce, reuse and recyle… this is the bread and butter of the advertising industry and what clients pay for. They think they’re paying for creativity or strategy? Fuck no, they’re paying for rehashed ideas that have been revised ad nauseum. They’re getting refried beans. They’re getting last year’s leftovers with a zesty new twist of bullshit lime.

I have lost count how many times in advertising and beyond I’ve had to redo something because someone didn’t know how to explain something. And this is coming from someone who picks up the phone and walks to someone’s desk to ask and clarify. Yet I can’t help but feel as if we’re the Modern Times of office work.

Modern Times is a brilliant movie by Charles Chaplin talking about the effects of repetitive industrial operations that become embedded in Charlie beyond the point of his control and it begs the question, have we been doing things wrong so long, it requires a complete overhaul and relearning how to do things?

The simple answer: FUCK YES.

There is NO reason why you have to do something more than once with the exception of needing to meet the expectations of more than one person who in turn have visions that do not coincide. If you clarify, shit should get done in an average work day in time for you to go to your home, eat your Lean Cuisine and revel in the satisfaction of watching TV on your DVR and fastforwarding through what is essentially what you use to pay cable with, advertising work.

But instead of bitching about it and venting and ranting, here’s a call to arms. Fucking question the method. Question the process. Question the revisions. Question everything. Question every single goddamn opinion because that’s what it is, it’s an opinion and opinions often mean empty work that costs money rather than produce results.

So here’s to questioning and giving your traffic personnel and execs the ulcers they wish unto you, because guess what, after we get past this unpleasant bit of revision of processes, EVERYONE will be happy.


Apr 14, 2014

Shit concerto in F Minor

I remember when I lost my work poop cherry… that time when my sphincter and my colon looked at me with somber eyes and said, we can’t hold it in Cap’n, we gotta push it out. It was not a pleasant experience for many reasons, though that’s another post for another day because obviously this will not be the only shit post to be had in the following months.

No, this is not about the first time my ass cheeks were touched by foreign plastic. This is about bathrooms with more than one stall and why I can’t deal with it. It’s one thing to have to shit at work. It’s another thing altogether to have to shit with company.

When my colonic zen moment has been interrupted by another fecal flinger, I’ve known to suck it up (literally) and hold it in for later. I suspect I’m not the only one to have this happen because let’s face it, shit shyness happens.

Some people could give half a fuck whether they have to shit in front of their moms. Logs must be released from the bowel beaver dam. The interesting part is when people shit with reckless abandon in tandem. It’s almost as if it’s a duel of the shits. It’s an epic battle of who can splatter and splash worse than the other and who can generate the more powerful biofuel to chemically assault their crapper counterpart.

It’s fucking epic. It’s like two thunder gods throwing caution to the wind and woe to anyone who isn’t wise enough to hold their piss for another time. I’ve had to pee under these conditions and it was a true test of how much I could multitask while holding my breath and controlling audible reactions.

I can’t do that shit, literally. My shit is a loner shit, it is a shy shit, it is a tender shit that wants to share an intimate moment with me while I scroll down my Twitter feed. Still, props to those people who can do it because it takes a special kind of fucker to shit louder than the person next to them, and an even more peculiar brand of asshole to write about it.


Apr 12, 2014

Guilty pleasures, music video edition: Philip Bailey

It's not every day you see a steaming pile of crap video that makes you gasp, sigh, lurch, hurl and wonder, just who the fuck thought this was a good idea.

Enter Philip Bailey's 80's extravaganza Walking on the Chinese Wall. Just... just... look at it. It's wonderful!

It's fucking awful, it's hokey, it's lame, it's like Rick Astley fucked Billy Ocean and out came Philp Bailey! This type of music can't be denied, because even if it's lame... here's the kicker...

You'll be humming this tune for days.

So here's to more rubbish to feed the wicked!

The end is nigh, so thanks for all the fish

Well kiddies, if there’s anyone still out there that reads this blog or has us in their RSS feed, suffice to say we’ve been busy… sure. Our little blog has touched our lives in some of the most deliciously inappropriate ways and it’s time to grow beyond the blogosphere and come to the real world.

That means that this is our farewell tour. The blog will be closing on a poetic date in the coming months and in the meantime, we’ll be entertaining you guys with a final barrage of carnage for your enjoyment. All farewells and words of wisdom will be forthcoming. 

For now though, let’s start things off with a thanks and a warning… it’s gonna get messy in this motherfucker. 

Feb 2, 2014

That Accountability is a Hot Potato

Ah yes, the beauty of accountability and people avoiding it. Brilliant people know how to best cover their asses apparently, because supervisors and VPs, AKA , the scum of middle management, are EXPERTS in covering their asses and tactfully blaming someone else.

You see, when all goes well, that’s when it stops being the team and some carefully chosen words like me, myself and I work into the communication to take the credit. By the same token, when something goes wrong, it’s the half ass accountability where they say it’s my fault but our bad.

That’s quite the cock knock and when you work at a large company, the order of the day. Accountability is this Hot Potato, or Wheel of Fortune wheel where you’re wishing for an extra spin but when you’re about to land on bankrupt, you literally switch with the person next to you.

For those not familiar with office environments, that’s exactly what happens sometimes and it also happened in advertising although not as bad as I see in my current place of employment. People seem to think that shitty things only seem to happen in ad agencies and although there are still hundreds of stories to share, I have this itch to let you know that Office Space is a reality and that shitty work environments don’t always have the luxury of allowing you to come in flips flops and check porn at work. Offices, honest, hard working, sheep filled offices are just as bad as ad agencies except you don’t have the happy hours, your cubicles don’t have decorations and the HR people don’t get as drunk.

Thing is that in advertising, back stabbing is a lot more common whereas bullshit, bureaucracy and the Accountability Hot Potato Game are the name of the game in Sheeps R Us. The worst is when someone makes as if they represent a team and are really accountable. It’s an Oscar worthy performance every time because they seriously believe they are being accountable… they’re not. They’re just using legal jargon to make you think they give a shit about the team when they don’t.

So here’s to the Hot Potato… may it burn the hands of slippery fuckwads the world round.

Dec 8, 2013

Dance Monkey Dance

Hello kiddies. Just because your uncle Joker has been quiet doesn’t mean the anger has subsided. Quite the contrary actually. People seem to think because I’m in a communications department for a "genuine company" that everything is rosy, and wonderful, and Kosher. Well it isn’t, far from it actually.

You see, when you work in a large proper company, you know, a freely traded company with a 401K you tend to see other things. Oh don’t worry, I still work advertising freelance and trust me it keeps me sane to be able to charge for revisions, and yes, even in “this economy” I charge for revisions, but that’s another post for another day. This one is about dancing and about how I’m fucking fed up with it.

Here in Corporate Dumbledouche Land there are SO many dances for your enjoyment. There’s the Revision Cha-cha, an old classic from advertising except it’s aggravated thanks to a long list of owners and opioneers hell bent on swashbuckling the shit out of your work. But on this occasion I’m doing the Monkey Dance while getting pelted by peanuts in the face for my efforts.

Ok, I get it that as professionals we should offer quality service in all that we do. We should be speedy and responsible and considerate and detail oriented. That’s all fine and dandy and fucking fantastic. But I seem to have missed the part of my job description that explicitly states I have to say yes to everything and not use my professional criteria in benefit of the task at hand. I was also unaware that asking people to do more than the bare minimum was also disallowed, but here I am, looking at a poorly written request, asking myself how hard is it to say no and ask people to be just half as professional as they claim to be. I’m here being expected to say thank you sir, can I have another revision, and another, and another, and all the while, I’m supposed to have cymbals on my hands with a little hat on.

There’s this expectation of subservience that is unsettling and too many people receive any superfluous order and they execute. They don’t question, they don’t clarify they just go and do whatever the email says.

To this I saw, blow me and my monkey dick. Take your peanuts and keep them. Next time establish clearly what you want rather than have me winging your petition. Before getting onto the email, take your thumb out of your ass or your mouth and think, what does this person need to execute as close to expectations as possible. And next time you realize you forgot to include additional information in the petition, pull tight on that cilice so you remember to think twice before saying you need something rush and send the material incomplete.

Sep 30, 2013

Floyd Mayweather Jr. Vs. Saúl Álvarez review

Although this fight was a few weeks back, I’ve been meaning to write about it for a while, I just hadn’t found the perfect chance to sit down and do so. If you’ve ever read this blog, you know I’m not a fan of Floyd Mayweather, Jr. except to express contempt. For years, I’ve believed and had good sound opinions on how he was basically given the pound for pound title on a silver platter. From sucker punch knockouts, to facing opposition that wasn’t up to his size, I’ve had an issue with Mayweather’s choice of opposition and claims to fame for close to a decade way back to his times as a Lightweight. Hell, even then I an issue with his first win over José Luis Castillo. But this post is not about the past, it’s about the present and the prospect for the future.

Two weeks ago: Floyd Mayweather Jr. left no doubt at all who is the #1 pound for pound boxer in the world.

Common knowledge states that betting against Floyd is monetary suicide. Never has that adage been more prevalent than right now. In his fight against  Saúl Canelo Álvarez, Floyd made Canelo look like a chump and showed just what it means to be dominant. Footwork, handspeed, ring generalship, balance, power, precision and sweet defense went all in favor of Floyd, even if there was a judge who should be banned from boxing after her score of 114-114… that would mean it was a competitive fight, it wasn’t. Make no mistake, Canelo tried his ass off to connect against Floyd, it’s just that he’s not in the same league and as a fan of boxing I saw in Floyd’s performance what I’ve been begging for years, for him to show his skills… and that he did.

Jabs, hooks, straight rights and even the occasional uppercut, it was a treat as a boxing fan to see Floyd engage and show that he can put his words into action and walk the walk.

Truth be told, I don’t see anyone threatening Floyd’s perfect record and I just wish he would have taken more fights like this the last couple of years. His first serious contender in a long time was against Victor Ortiz, but a sucker punch finish tarnished what could have been a masterful outing. The same in his fight against Gatti where he sucker punched the late great and got a knockdown… Against Canelo, no fouls were thrown, and Floyd after the fight showed the decorum he is quite capable of… the one that is appropriate for a pound for pound champion.

For Canelo, the next step is to reestablish that getting schooled by a great boxer doesn’t mean you aren’t a champion, feed him Cotto, and let him face Alfredo Angulo, James Kirkland and if health permits it, Sergio Martínez… all good fights ready to be made.

For Floyd… the question is much more difficult. The only guys who could give him a run for his money are Sergio Martínez if his body wasn’t quitting on him, Gennady Golovkin if he could make a catch weight or the ever more doubtful Pacquiao. Sergio Martínez honestly isn’t going to happen because he can’t make a 151 lb catchweight and even if he could, injured shoulders and injured knees mean he’s at a disadvantage. Golovkin is nowhere near the money name Floyd requires and since he’s campaigning at 160, probably won’t happen either, in addition to being some psycho cyborg killer boxer most people don’t want to face. And then there’s Pacquiao… First off Manny needs to destroy Brandon Ríos in his next fight. Not beat, not outpoint but destroy. He has to put the pacifist to rest for one night and just knock Brandon the F out. Then we can talk about a matchup against Bradley, whom I hope gets KO’d by Marquez, and wouldn’t mind also getting KO’d by Manny. THEN we can talk about a fight with Floyd… and the fact remains, Floyd would KO him within 8 rounds, even if he’s a lefty, which Floyd HATES. Simply put, Floyd is bigger and he knows how to use his body better than most anyone. Simply look at him in the Alvarez fight, even outweighed by 15 pounds, it never looked as if he was outgunned… and that’s because he wasn’t. He was always in control and the only weapons Manny have for him in that fight would be a counter right hook which can be countered with a straight right and a straight left, which needs to get its pop back to factor into the equation.

So there you have it folks, Hell hath frozen over and I admit it:

Floyd Mayweather Jr. is the #1 pound for pound boxer in the world…. Now please, someone correct me by knocking him out. :)

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