Jul 23, 2009

Samurai Sellers: The Juice Man, Jay Kordich

The number 4 is a very special number for me. It represents so many things and it keeps coming up in my life that I just can't ignore it. So you know that the fourth samurai seller had to be something special... and to be honest, it's pretty hard to get more special than Jay Kordich.

He might not have the portfolio of some of the other selling masters, but what he does have is the sheer mastery of the spoken word. Well that and some of the snazziest set of eyebrows this side of a lush cotton field. Master Juice is a phenom of the advertising world in the sense that he started selling millions of units when he had already become eligible for Medicare. Twenty years later, the juice is still strong, the juice is still good and the juice is still flowing.

Who else do you know that could convince you that parsley could make you high? Well apart from an ignorant ninth grader that insists his pizza smelling oregajoints can actually give you a buzz. Jay Kordich is simply a joy to watch in the infomercial arena because you know he could have been a religious zealot, a politician or a tiki love god, but the path he chose was that of the juice. Pretty much the statement is that anything you can eat, you can drink... as long as it's vegetable or fruit, because though you can juice a steak, something tells me a ribeye smoothie will not agree with anyone's stomach. And though you can make a case that Jay is actually a Juicinator 1000 or has a rotting picture hidden somewhere dark and secluded, the fact is that he's alive and well and doing more activities than your average Thirty year old

Vampires insist that blood is the secret to eternal life, but Jay Kordich is putting these queer blood suckers to shame by living an active almost 90 year old lifestyle and still tanning and bleaching enough to look like a Papa Oompa Loompa or some Beta Carrot Demon hellbent on conquering the world, one juice at a time. This man survived cancer, has lived three lifetimes and injested enough fresh juice to make Poppa Mott's sad that he couldn't sell the fruit in the raw to this V8 speedster.

Video Evidence:

Marquis Products:

All encarnations of the Juice Man


- Knowing more about potions than your local shamman.
- Juice Alchemy where any solid thing you find can be magically turned into a liquid panacea.
- Warming lost children with his eyebrows.

Weapon of Choice:

Eyebrow uppercut and natures own juicer, his bare hands.


- More stamina than a Kenyan marathon runner.
- Can lift two metric tons with either eyebrow.
- Speeks human parcel tongue where he lulls you into joining a cult that juices their own brand of Kool-Aid


- Needs juice to activate super powers.
- Fears solid foods.
- Needs sunlight since he's drunk enough juice to survive partially by photosynthesis.

Special maneuvres:

- The Colonic Wet Squat Kick
- The Groin Juice Claw
- The Gnarly Parsely Blumpkin Squash


- Juice.
- Smoothies.
- Frappes.


- Solids
- Food that needs a fork to ingest.


- Being frozen solid.
- Being juiced by his followers to assimilate his eternal essence.


- Juice Bar.
- Juicy Eyebrows.


The Fountain of life flows with nutrients and antioxidants and Jay Kordich is The Willy Wonka of his fruit factory. Jump on the Juice boat and go down the path that is wet, smooth and nutritious.

BONUS: Jim Carrey doing the Juice proud.

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