Jul 30, 2009

Samurai Sellers: Vince Shamwow Offer

Fifth and final member of the Five deadliest Samurai sellers that make my finger twitch at the thought of buying things I don't need, our own Slap Chopping hooker hater, Vince "Offer" Shlomi.

To balance out the likes of Poppa Ronco, Master Tony, Jay Kordich and our dearly departed Billy Mays, in comes the new school of selling gurus. I use the term new school loosely because even though Vince looks like The love Child of Zack Morris and Beavis (with more than a hint of Steve Buschemi) and looks to be aged in his early thirties, he's actually forty five and please don't let the accent fool you, he's from Israel.


EXACTLY. That's how good a salesman he is that if not for wikipedia, IMDB and other would-be reliable sources, we'd think he were some schmuck from Jersey with a knack for selling shit and coming up with rhymes just for the sake of finishing a sentence (Think Scott Weiland without the musical talent and with an innate desire to sell towels and silly cutting machines).

Fast talking, nonsense spewing glory awaits everytime you see this guy with a headset on and just like Billy Mays, his assortment of attainable crap is just there begging for you to purchase. Hell it's only $20... what can it hurt? That's the beauty of sellers like Billy, Chef Tony and Shlomi. They make you think wasting (I mean spending) $20-$30 isn't a big deal.

What sets Vin apart from the rest is that one of his products took one of Billy Mays weaker products and made it work. Sorry but Zorbies is a shitty name and a shitty product with a name more appropriate for a Greek family restaurant or a Turkish bath house than a super absorbent towel and comparisons show that Germans do make a better product (how he got THAT selling point to work, beats me). The other product came from his prowess in spanking and slapping bitches around and the application of said method in the kitchen.

Couple that setup with his fast talking Double deuce scamming tongue, and the recipe is for success in his bank account and failure in your credit card balance. As if this weren't enough, his tags are so lame and ridiculous that you can't help but remember them.

"This product is German and you know that Germans make good products."

OK, let me ask you this: apart from cars, what German products do you see abound? Exactly.

"We're going to help America lose weight, one chop at a time."

So chopping naturally breeds thinner people? Somehow the logic slips me and though I can actually consider the Slap Chop a pretty decent addition to a kitchen, I don't exactly consider it life altering, but maybe I haven't sipped the German Kool Aid.

Couple this with the fact that both his infommercials together don't add up to ten minutes yet he's sold millions of units, and you see why Shlomi is a Samurai Seller.

Cue video evidence:

Marquis Products:

The Shamwow & Slap Chop


- Convincing you to buy his product and besmirch the competition (I've seen this 3 times)
- Slapping and Chopping, or just slapping if the item in question is a tongue biting prostitute
- Hiding 10 years of his age beneath makeup.

Weapon of Choice:
- Hypnotic sale inducing Headset


- Downwards arm movement
- Parsel Tongue


- Young women who charge for sex, and their warm mouths that tempt him
- Slapping it one too many times

Special maneuvres:

- The Shlomi Blowmi slap
- The Martini Bikini Cheese Twist (watch the video)
- The nut Muncher


- Showing you his nuts (watch the video... I can't believe he got away with that one)
- Young hookers
- Slap chopping


- Canniballistic hookers
- Dicing


- Lockjaw kisses
- The discovery of his past as an Israeli snake oil salesman


- Stock in Miami brothels
- A jump house made of Shamwows


Like him or hate him, he does grab you by the balls (ovaries) and really makes you consider buying his products, be they shitty or not. The point is that this faux thirty year old can sell... and he can sell a lot... and not only that, but he DIRECTLY vested a product of Father Mays. If that's not enough to accept him among the elite, I don't know what is.

And if THAT weren't enough, tell me you don't want to shake your slap chopping ass to this beat:

Click the title of this post to go to the website where you can download it.


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