First of Five Joker top ten lists for 2006

So the year came and went but I’m still seeing best of lists from 2006. Perfect. Talk about not being able to let things go. Anyways, here is the first of my top five top ten lists of miscellaneous bullshit for the year 2 0 0 6 in five easy installments.

I.) Top ten dumbest people in 2006

10. Steve Martin

Am I saying Steve Martin is a shitty actor? No. Am I saying that he doesn’t have talent? No. Am I even suggesting that he’s not funny? Well not lately. He’s on this list for the very simple reason that I think he’s a pretty good actor, he can actually be funny but has chosen such shitty roles in the last couple of years, including the Disney tinged Pink Panther of ’06 that you can’t help but conclude that his brains have faltered somewhat or he’s being managed by a vengeful ex-lover. Steve, by all means, quit sucking more than a Hoover.

9. Whoever approved the entire track listing for Incubus’ Album, Light Grenades

I like this band enough to have seen them live twice. I own all their albums except Light Grenades and for good reason. I don’t know what the fuck happened in the months leading up to the release of this album except that someone had a member from Brandon Boyd’s family held captive at gun point. Love Hurts and Earth to Bella Pt’s 1 and 2 should have never even seen the light of day, not because they’re the worst tracks ever recorded in existence (although they stink up the album enough for me not to want to buy it). It’s all because if you hear the tracks from Stealth, the Incubus B-sides and the very intense songs on the Halo 2 soundtrack, not to mention the good tracks from Light Grenades, you can’t help but ask yourself what the hell happened. For this album, they might have considered the name change to Suckubus, just for the sake of not misleading fans.

8. Any parent who bought their kids a pair of Heelys

The next evolutionary step is not mutant powers, it’s not a finger or two less and it most certainly is not higher brain usage, it’s a fucking wheel sticking out of your heel. Whoever thought this product up isn’t brilliant; they just made something existent better and now we have a mini hell spawn generation of gremlins wheeling around our local malls and parks. Instead of punishing parents or decapitating a few children (which really isn’t that bad an idea), I propose we all grab two fistfuls of gravel and throw them where these beasts roam.

7. George W. Bush

Why is Georgie so far from #1. Two reasons. 1.) I’m pretty sure it’s hard to debate some of the other choices on this list. 2.) 7 is a holy number, and for someone as assholy as he is, I thought it appropriate.

6. TIE Britney Spears/ Lindsay Lohan/ Paris Hilton

I don’t care who put out a new perfume that smells like Strawberry Shortcake’s pussy. I could care less over who actually SHOWED their Strawberry Shortcake pussy, who got divorced, who banged who, who got drunk and plastered and who is holding on to Divaness for dear life. The only good things of tabloids exploiting this shit are that good artists are being left a bit more alone, shit magazines are getting even shittier and dumb people get dumber while overexposure is sure to guarantee these bitches will burn out. At least there’s whackoff material for a new generation, so kids, keep whacking away. Oh and there is absolutely NO relation with three psycho bitches being posted at #6 to promote my belief that they are hell spawn.

5. Michael Jackson

My dear MJ wasn’t all that buzz for the second half of the year, but this Sgt Pepper’s meets Planet of the Apes shithead made nice headlines during the first half. Including moving his ass to the middle of the dessert where he can molest all the children his surgically stretched and bleached heart can handle. You’re fooling no one Mikey.

4. Mel Gibson

I love his acting, some of his movies are my fav all time, but when you fuck up even bigger than one of the roles you play(namely Riggs), you can’t help but go WTF. I still stand by my opinion that people were only too ready to pounce on him when they themselves are infected by the bigot bug, but one can’t overlook his fuckup. What happened to the good old days of private wifebeating, crystal meth smoking, heroin usage and child pornography. Robert Blake, show him the way.

3. Michael Richards

Not only did he play a dufus on TV, he is one in real life. Apparently Mel Gibson’s meltdown wasn’t bad enough and this would-be has-been felt it necessary to fuck up an already washed up career beyond repair. Further elaboration might give the impression I give a shit about this guy, so let’s leave it here.

2. Rosie O’Donnell

WHAT IN THE NAME OF HELL HAS CRAWLED UP ROSIE’S BIG FAT ASS? She’s #2 on this list for sheer annoyance and the talent of picking a variety of fights she can’t win. 0-2 for ’06 bitch, soon to be 0 for 3 if you decide to continue your fight with the American Idol guys. So for general lumoxness, annoying voice levels, lack of valid arguments and the need to turn everything into a gayathon, you’re #2. Oh and also so you don’t win at anything ever.

1. O.J. Simpson

God this guys sucks. I’m glad I can be objective enough to still enjoy the Naked Gun movies, but wow… how big of a bastard can you be just to make a quick buck. You suck more than a vampire hooker. Feel free to write a book entitled, Jumping off a roof, if I did it. Fucking hump.