Every once in a while you meet some person that has not only read the Secret, but that insists on telling you all about it as if you gave a fuck. They also offer wonderful cute insights like it takes more energy to frown than to smile, and that it can’t rain all the time… Since they’re so keen on sharing and insisting that we all share in their warmth, here are some phrases from me to them. Feel free to print and paste any you might need. Stapling on their foreheads is most insisted.
Cheers
• For your own personal safety, avoid my field of vision.
• If I hear one more song from Panic at the Disco, I’m gonna staple your asshole shut.
• I’m glad you love Jesus, keep him out of my Inbox.
• If you snort when you giggle I can gag when you speak.
• Go forward some email about a child that will get 3 cents a day for every time the email is forward, then at least you can entertain yourself thinking you make a difference when in reality, you are just another parking space waiting to be given to someone else.
• You’re not having problems with your significant other, they’re just wondering if they should get paid for coital acts.
• I deserve palimony if I’m to hear about your problems.
• Buy a wall-plug vibrator and try it out in the shower.
• In Greek and Roman times you could at least have been a pretty decent sacrifice.
• The Secret I want to know is how come your mother did not feed on her young.
• People only care about your music when it annoys them.
• Your tone of voice is as soothing as a field mouse getting DP’d by a muskrat and an owl.
• Choosing between you and frostbite on my hemorrhoids might seem like an obvious choice for you. I’m still debating.
• The only thing that consoles me is knowing that some miscarriages could have actually turned out like you.
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