Your May Horrorscope

I’m so sick and fucking tired of reading optimistic horoscopes telling how great my life will be in the coming days thanks to the alignment of Venus, Saturn and my nutsack. Sorry but sometimes I just read horoscopes that prompt me to vomit way more than the confidence they inspire that good things will happen because Madame Lugduana’s Pet iguana shit a turd in the shape of a horse shoe that came from a goat that accidentally got a pair of horse shoes nailed in because some dumb hick from Yamstooth Nebraska confused a horse with a goat. It’s all bullshit and people make millions off it so for a change, here’s my take on what the month of May will hold for all of you. I will separate for gender so no one gets left out and so there aren’t any ambiguous sentences that could be for both. Cheers

Aries – The Ram

Women: You will continually butt heads with people from your same month or anyone who has an opinion that might possibly resemble a thought designed with logic.

Men: You will be tempted to rent gay porn because you’re curious. You’re not curious, you’re gay and it’s ok. You will want to wear a leather leotard and proclaim you are the God of War while getting barebacked by your boss. Use lots of lubricants.


Taurus – The Bull

Female: You are a sexy devil I love you and I won’t even besmirch this horoscope because I’m that ridiculously in love with you and also that pussy whipped.

Male: You are not as lucky as any woman of the Bull sign. You feed on what you squat out and no one believes you’re improbable stories of getting laid in the toner room. Make sure to verify your shoe so you don’t drag pieces of toilet paper around all day.

Gemini - The Twins

Female: Having a split personality means you can stick a finger in either hole and that’s just what it feels like at work lately. You’re working late, eating poorly and not only is the system barebacking you into wasting the best years of your life, they’re pulling out so they can add a goatee to that Sanchez stache you have going for you.

Male: You fantasize about cloning yourself so you can fuck yourself. You are conceited, resentful and everyone hates your white shoes. Quit masking the smell of your own jizz with Binaca because we can sill smell the bleachy goodness coming from deep in your throat.

Cancer - The Crab

Female: You shall itch as much as your sign for being crabbier than an inmate with a yeast infection. Try to leave work early and have interviews at another place where you shall also be a mere number and your boss shall have a hard time remembering your name.

Male: Don’t look in your neighbors’ refrigerator; you won’t like what you find. Plus, that junk mail you’re receiving, it’s really a good idea if you download that file that has an .exe tag at the end.

Leo - The Lion

Female: Feel free to take yoga classes and lick yourself. People think you are way too proud of accomplishments that aren’t yours to toot a horn about and if anyone gives you kudos, it’ll probably be a co-worker trying to sell granola bars for a fundraiser.

Male: Stop masturbating while looking at the mirror. Also, there is a fine line between loyal and stalker so watch how closely you keep in touch with your “friends”. Also of note, downloading is not an Olympic sport, be productive some other way.

Virgo - The Virgin

Female: Virgin… HAHAHAHAHA… what a kidder… as in …. Hasn’t had a penis in every orifice…. Oh lord… I’m dying hahahahaha… nice one, nice one. Keep using rubbers you dumb whore, no one believes you won’t shag for money.

Male: You don’t masturbate…. Right… it’s a belief system… mmm hmmm… and you don’t have sex either…. That’s fascinating. So exactly when did you lose your nuts to be in a choir?

Libra - The Scale

Female: Stop counting the points in your food. It’s fucking annoying and frustrating to anyone who enjoys good company at the table. By the way, that’s your stomach growling because it doesn’t give a shit about points. Feed yourself and maybe you won’t be such a bitch.

Male: Your zen meditation skills can’t fool anyone. We all know you want to dress up as Brian Boitano while still liking women. So feel free to balance things out and maybe you’ll be able to hand in that artwork you’ve been dicking around with for two weeks.

Scorpio - The Scorpion

Female: Men fear you and women despise you. Start by changing from cologne to perfume and shaving that man patch on your would be Adam’s Apple. Crossing legs and not blowing snot rockets is also a good thing to try out.

Male: You are not fierce, you’re just dumb and if you were actually your sign, you’d be voted most likely to sting yourself. Be thankful you have a paycheck.

Sagittarius - The Archer

Female: Saggy is as saggy does. No matter how perky you are, you’re boobs will never match you and you should love yourself as is. Odds are some nice guy is into your particular body type and also loves to squeeze oatmeal through a burlap bag. Be happy, be unique.

Male: Venus and Mars have aligned and I’m sorry to inform you but you will probably lose your genitals or gets a forced brazilian (t’aint and asshole included).

Capricorn - The Sea-goat

Female: Fuck like a sea monkey instead of eating like a sea goat. Your man needs a hand job and you need to dirty the sheets. Being such a Frigiditz means you don’t value the power of an orgasm.

Male: You need a vacation and it doesn’t come in a bottle. You’re about to lose it and you are probably going to appear on youtube on some clip assaulting a co-worker for saying good morning. Chill the fuck out.

Aquarius - The Water-bearer

Female: You are not retaining water and it isn’t bloating. That is merely the seed of Satan eating through your entrails trying to get free and take over the world. Drink Pennyroyal tea, sing the Nirvana song, punch yourself in the stomach, just don’t let Damian come into the world.

Male: Your personality is as watered down as the $14 drinks you order at the bar. Stop reading books to learn how to be more personable and save your money from those 976 call binges you have after downing Vodka and Pucker.

Pisces - The Fish

Female: Much to the irony of reality, you shall drown. Be it in paper work, in problems, a glass of water or your conventional pool of water, you will drown. Make sure to max out your credit cards at least.

Male: You drink too much and the tattoo of a pooping seagull on your back is evidence enough. You are the butt of every joke, you slur your speech even when you’re sober and you really should feel less and less proud that at least you didn’t puke.