Nov 19, 2008

Tales from the Client Side: Training Day

Anyone who has ever started a new job in advertising has definitely had those first two awkward days where you don't really have much to do since pretty much the people from your company still don't know you exist, therefore you remain unhassled for no less than 48 hours and no more than 96. You can call this the "Who the Fuck is That?" grace period you are given.

Just in case you wonder what the hell you're supposed to be doing, the land of Cubus Corpus has the answer... an all you can cram training seminar buffet where you will be offered such light topics as the various reasons for you being terminated, sexual harassment, domestic violence in the workplace, company mission statements, the mandatory 3 video sequence including but not limited to recent advertising, company statement and a hackneyed Power Point Presentation they insist on calling a video. From what I've gathered from commenting to people in other Cubus Corpus centers, this is a standard and the bigger the company, the more 'material' (now forth called bullshit) you are offered.

It is quite common that you will be stuck with various people from other departments that will not have the slightest idea of what you do... sounds familiar doesn't it. The difference here is that you work for a company people can actually recognize and you can talk about the company without fear of confusion since every time you used to refer to your agency as a company, some people snickered, others didn't understand and either way, you were left in the uncomfortable situation of explaining in full detail what you had to do.

To offer some insight into what I was able to gather from the 9+ hour training session (I'm not exagerating please stop shaking your head), here's a rundown of the most important things I learned.

* Dick jokes are not welcome and your creative use of the words cock, douche, ass, cunt, pussy, or all the creative ways of including semen into any type of sentence will not only be frowned upon, but might even be cause for getting fired.

* Say good bye to message t-shirts.

* Behold a lounge with two refrigerators

* Sick shit happens in companies and their strict policies have been applied for a reason, or various ones.

* The information you deal with is truly confidential.

* If you're not sure if you can do it, odds are you can't.

* Don't do a wikipedia search for your favorite porn star, you'll get a memo.

* Getting late three times is equal to an absence, keep arriving late and you'll be happy to known you'll be able to dress like a bum again real soon.

* There is a lot of koolaid being passed around, do a fake sip, comment on how delicious it is and fake it.

* You will work at a bonafide cubicle, small price to pay to get a real benefits package.

* You will have six bosses. Enjoy.

* Everyone will say this is the best place you could have chosen to work at and will always insist you'll fit right in even though they don't have a clue what's the first letter of your name.

* You might be required to wear a pin with the company logo on it........................................................................................................................................ fuck

* You will meet a wide variety of people regarding their ethnic, religious and racial background who will be completely homogenous in thought pattern.

* You can't sell anything while in company property.

* Feel free to always have your cell phone on vibrate. Place near erogenous zones as necessary.


And that's just the tip o the iceberg folks. Just in case I made any of this sound remotely interesting, it is if it's your first time getting one of these intense seminar bonanzas more than anything because you realize that people can make a living out of making clip art stuffed power point presentations with 17 bullets per slide, a 9 line paragraph and more animations than you can shake your Vista hating fist at. Some people are extremely well prepared since they know the slides back and forth but other people truly show that doing the exact same thing every week taxes their soul to no end and that they not so secretly despise every new employee that forces them to repeat a presentation that borders on a demonic incantation.

If you ever have a seminar day here are a couple of tips:

* Sleep well the night before or elese you won't make it.

* Avoid eating a heavy lunch. A food coma shall render you useless after the seventh slide and you don't want slober and a lost in space gaze to be your first impression.

* Make small talk, there will be technical difficulties and lagoons you'll have to waid through.

If you start getting annoyed though, think of this, you're being paid to sit through people talking lots o blah blah, and if you can do it for $200 at a time share seminar, you can do it for your job... just zone out and you'll be fine.

Anyways, that is all for now. More infiltrated information soon to come.

Cheers

7 comments:

Me said...

Does this mean that you may have to go to team building seminars?????

Holy Jesus.

Bob Hall said...

Why public relations sucks! WPRS!

shaun. said...

sounds familiar. HR does blow.

But small talk is really important. and so it sipping the kool aid.

I say find your niche that knows how to fake sip the kool aid but still talk shit all day every day. they are my favorite.

addude13 said...

"Corporate" e-mail tips...

Saving e-mail: Make sure to save all complimentary messages you receive - they can come in handy when it's review time.

(If you're so inclined, save any negative e-mails from unthinking colleagues for potential blackmail purposes.)

Forwarding: My wife worked in a toxic (not literally) company where not-so-nice co-workers would "CC" almost everybody (involved or not) when sending negative e-mails.

Beware these people, and be prepared to Reply All with a well-written and objective response that verbally emasculates them. (Having read your posts for some time, I believe you can do this successfully.)

Hope this helps.

Truth Screamer said...

Amen, addude13. The all-powerful emails are your ticket to success, or ruin, in the corporate world.

My best wishes to you, Joker.

The plus is: client side = great benefits and big paychecks (eventually)

TS

addude13 said...

One more trick:

Go home 10 minutes after your boss does. Even if s/he beats you there in the morning, they'll have no idea how late you stayed...you team player you.

Joker said...

@ Me: It means I'm in Corporate world. Team Building is just the icing on top lol. You're gonna love this lol.

@ Bob: hehehe, might make a minisite out of this lol.

@ Shaun: Definitely going to avoid the Koolaid. At the most, I'll just perform and cash my check. But feel free to bet that I'll try to get the most out of this chance.

@ Addude I: Definitely helps. in just one week I've seen how valuable it is to tactfully tell someone to fuck off. It's a fine line between slamming someone head first in the shitter and not showing anger. The main thing is to not lose my cool, which is the biggest challenge I think I might face. We'll see. Thanks for the tips though, will definitely take them into account and have emails saved since it's what I like to call evidence lol.

@ Truth Screamer: Thanks man. I think the pros outweigh the cons at the least for the now and I definitely needed a change of pace. More on this later. But many thanks for the well wishes. Will do my best to fend off demons with my written skills.

@ Addude II: I'm a wascally team pwayer :D

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