When it comes to movie slashers, there is a certain formula that pretty much guarantees you success in the killer side of life. After some analytical work, here are the top ten things you need to make a killing at being a biller.
10. A two syllable name: Jason, Freddy, Michael, Jigsaw, Pinhead. The list goes on, and the best usually go by the duo-syllabic rule.
9. An illogically slow walk. If you have to run, you’re doing it wrong and you’re rushing. You need to take each step as if you’re drunk and on the verge of ralphing, but insisting on getting to your bed to sleep it off. Running is out of the question and if your prey is a ways away, you are only allowed to hurtle some sharp object to get them.
8. Teleportation abilities. That these killers are ridiculously slow does not mean that they won’t get you. That’s because a little known fact is that all movie slashers fold time and space to be just around the next corner, even if you actually lapped them twice.
7. A face mask or incredibly mangled face. The disclaimer comes because of Freddy. But apart from the Dream undertaker, most every other slasher force to be reckoned with has had a covered face. Be it a ski mask, a pig’s face, a face made of human skin or even William Shatner’s Face bleached kabuki white, showing the face is never going to be an option.
6. Creativity. It’s not fun to kill people the same way over and over. You need to improvise. You need inspiration. What you do is not killing, it’s homicidal jazz. Live your art of killing. If not, you're just another sideline freakshow.
5. A high sense of organization. You don’t kill people in bunches. You methodically kill people one by one (at the most two at a time) and work in a linear path from the most annoying, to the sexiest, to the nicest, to the dumbest, and to the coolest person on the list.
4. The ability to kill pretty girls. Since you can’t get any, why leave any for the picking. Something overly frustrating is seeing a myriad of gorgeous women get killed in a shower, a bath or in any other context where movie execs decided that some skin was just what the scene needed. Jason and Michael Meyers are notorious for doing this and though I admonish the fact that they killed these beauties, at least I need to give them points for taste.
3. The inability to kill your main prey. Trust me, if you can get the person you are hounding the most, you’re doing your job wrong. You need to not only fail at this, but to fail miserably and only after intense bloddshed.
2. The inability to die. A slasher killer is measured not only by their kills but by how many times they have cheated death to the point that you swear life has a Game Genie that gives you unlimited lives to finish the game… the game being hacking people to bits.
1. A motive. Each and every slasher has a motive, even if it doesn’t make sense, the motive is there. So if you aim to be all that you can be, make sure to have some revenge on your mind, if not, you’re just another garden variety homicidal maniac.
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