Apr 11, 2010

What the Futterwacken was That

If you're short on time and you need a quick review, read the line below:

Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland sucks Jabbercock.

If you have more time, read below for a little more in depth analysis of this steaming pile of cinema.

Ok so from the get go I knew this movie was going to have a problem or twenty. Tim Burton has done great movies, but he also has a few stinkers in the lot and a couple of movies that just didn't do it for me. Case in point, Corpse Bride was ok, Willy Wonka failed to surpass the original only in weirdness and crappy songs, Planet of the Apes was a joke and let's not even talk about Mars Attacks please.

What I'm trying to pass over with that disclaimer is that though I like Tim Burton's work, I also recognize he's far from infallible and Alice in Wonderland was just a clunky ass movie that failed to meet even the kindest expectations. Visual effects were at time truly beautiful and other times were downright I Am Legend quality and if you think you've seen movies that obviously look like they're shot on a green screen, then get ready. The story was odd, and disjointed and just in case, I'm not going to bash the Alice character because reading the book, I wanted to rip that blonde girl's hair from the roots.

Truth be told the movie is like one big drop. It starts slow and stupid, like most any rollercoaster, things start getting a bit loopy and there are actually quite a few parts that weren't half bad. They weren't epic or Alicious enough, but they worked. For me, it is always a pleasure to see the Cheshire Cat in action and in this movie, he was the only consistent high point because such a great character just seems to be impervious to shitty scripts and stupid plots. Everyone else though was a bit on the iffy side. The White Queen looked like an aristocrat who'd just taken a combination acid drink and ecstasy.... a LOT of Ecstasy actually. She wanted to be all floaty and she just looked like some super bleached dumbass.

The Red Queen was supposed to be wicked and funny or wicked funny or something like that and well.... Helena Bonham Carter did as much as the script and her viced husband would allow.

Then there's Johnny Depp. Ok, in case you're wondering, I'm actually a huge Johnny Depp fan and have been since Benny and Joon but in this movie, well he looked like he was at times possessed by Hugh Grant, other times by Captain Quinn from JAWS and I don't know what else. He was all over the place and though sometimes it was cool, sometimes it was weird and sometimes it was Disney stupid which is a whole other level of stupid. I'm obviously referring to live movies and not animated, where Disney rarely if ever screws up.

And then... there's a battle..... WTF. Since when does Alice fight in battles? I don't know, but someone did... and they let us have it, including cheesy lines and lame special effects for our nauseous enjoyment. Not because the effects were disorienting, but because they were that suckass. The Jabberwocky was almost completely crap though I have to admit that the dragon walking with its wings was interesting, but other than that I would have preferred if the fight had been with the dance troupe instead of some crappy half dragon that spat electricity instead of fire. But no worries, to make matters worse, The Mad Hatter does a stupid dance that was probably imposed by some brilliant movie exec that doesn't know a good idea from a dirty asshole. And then Alice goes back to the real world, has a lame ass monologue and the movie ties everything up with a nice ridiculous bullshit bow. Oh and if you hadn't gotten off the seat, you're then treated to the wonderful Avril Lavigne singing the American Idol scripted "Alice".

So if you like the Alice in Wonderland story, if you like Johnny Depp and if you like Tim Burton, by all means, read the book watch the original Disney cartoon, rent Benny and Joon and the first Pirates of the Caribbean and buy Big Fish, because this movie will do nothing to love any of those things any more.



Deathway said...

The White Queen was meant to be ridiculous. Just saying.

Joker said...

Ok, so what about the rest of the movie? :)

Thing is I read the books and I don't remember the White Queen being that way. I dunno, maybe I need to give another read. Thanks for the comment though.


TheAngelsMachine said...

what i would like to say... is the book of through the looking glass ive read... its old.. and its illistrated some... and the jabberwocky looks 'just' like that in those pictures. i thought that was good. (and that was plasma... not electricity. and... also,man... when i read the book... i got the impression everyone was basically like the white queen. might i suggest... maybe you, being used to a serious world... put way to much seriousness in your interpretation of the written characters? OH... and besides that... yeah it sucked. (though i have to admit.. i kinda dug the dance. lol) biggest disappointment for me? no walrus and carpenter.
take it easy

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