Mar 17, 2011

5 Emails that ad agencies send that annoy: Me.

The power of an email is unsurpassed in many ways. It can inspire you to be a better employee. It can destroy a relationship. It can mend a broken heart. And also, it can annoy the living hell out of me. Ad agencies have a special "je ne sais quoi" when it comes to sending the same boring emails that... well... I'm tired of receiving. You know the ones. They come in different parts of the year, I always think that some douche is hitting that copy and paste from a couple of years ago, rewriting mundane details and hitting send... just so that I can get angry at life.

Let's celebrate those yearly gifts of technology, shall we? I'll write down the basics for Five emails you WILL receive this year... or already have in your inbox. Let the douchiness begin... now.

1) The "We did a great job" but we lost the account anyways.
It usually comes from the CEO, which we have to mention that DID NOT even come close to helping any of the people at any point because he was golfing or going on boat tours. It usually starts off telling people that they are a great team, in fact, he insists that HIS team is the greatest of all ad agencies. Nope, the account did not leave because of service nor creativity! What can possibly give you that idea? They left because of budget (see how it doesn't hurt so bad, it was all about money). Second paragraph is for congratulating the big honchos - who also did not spend all the time with the regular people who gave their ass for that account) and then, if by some chance he remembers some names, he writes them down. Look for the badly written name that probably his secretary gave him wrong. The turd ends with the scary "we will keep working and delivering greatness"... but it doesn't mean that in two weeks it will include you.

2) The "You are supposed to arrive at 9am sharp each day", dammit.
Your company does not give a rat's ass if a train plowed into your house and destroyed your car. It doesn't care that you woke up early but drove by a massive accident. It even doesn't care that you are human and sometimes get up late. You are supposed to be there sharply at 9am, and screw if you think otherwise. Yeah. The email will be very nasty, written by someone who is a true workaholic and has no idea of a life beyond a full page ad. Disciplinary measures will be needed if this type of situation occurs again and fuck you if you come telling how long you work after 6pm. Yeah, you are supposed to work until your fingers bleed, so complain to Mommy.

3) The "We don't have parking for all the Agency" reminder.
We're so sorry, but could you please not park your piece of shit Toyota in the CEO's parking? He needs to park there when he comes once a month. You can walk five blocks to a special parking spot we have downtown. Parking at the agency is only permitted to people who drank the Kool Aid and have been with us a gazillion years. No, it doesn't matter that you have been with your agency five years now. Wait... who are you, again?

4) The "There are too many errors" memorandum.
All ad agencies want five hundred campaigns for Monday and you know what, they don't care that you don't have a chip inside your brain. You are not supposed to make ANY mistakes at all. Those are for weaklings who cannot hack it in today's work environment. No typos are allowed, ever, for as long as you shall live, and if you do that, we will not write it down in this email but it will feel like we WILL murder you, your family and your friends. Didn't you know that you are supposed to be a machine of sheer perfection and quantity? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

5) The "We will be so sad to see this DOUCHE go" farewell.
Ladies and Gentlemen say goodbye to OUR DEAREST COWORKER - who is secretly hated and talked about - who we love SOOO MUCH. He decided to move on to be one of our clients - that usually means to kiss that sweet ass or make up all the shit you already have fought about - and we are SOOOO HAPPY to keep him in our family... which means that that sleazebag better not take the account away from us, that traitor. Maybe you receive a different email that talks about how she decided to become a full time mom - which translates to what a loser, she wants to enjoy life with her kids, she must be crazy. Expect some idiotic lunch in a couple of weeks with a cake, lots of stupid gifts, a cartoon of the moron who is leaving... and fake tears at the end. Take the doughnuts home.

There you go. You can add more if you want!

Much love and less emails, Me.


Jeff said...

The additional congratulations email when someone was left off the original email, about a business win or job well done.

Gotta love having your contributions being forgotten.

Me said...

OOOoh! That's a good one!

And how about the "Moron Coworker is selling apartment/bicycle/dogs/boat/other stupid crap" arrives?

Gotta love those...

Rick said...

This is creepy. Are you one of my co-workers here right now and I don't know it?! Great (TRUE) post, once more.

RestrictionsApply said...

- The religious chain mail
- The porn PowerPoint
- The confirmation confirming the confirmation
- The congratulatory spam, when the boss congratulates someone on a job well done and you get 115 follow-up messages from people also congratulating said person

Me said...

Don't forget the "This Ad is so great" email, and the following crap emails talking about it to death.

Man how I hate those.

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