Aug 20, 2012

Guilty Pleasures volume 3: Troll


Have you ever seen a train wreck? It’s sad, it’s painful, it’s almost a little depressing, but you can’t stop watching asking yourself exactly what is going to happen. That’s just what this vile piece of shit movie is. It’s so bad, it has Sonny Bono in it. Yet for whatever reason, I feel myself drawn to drop my control remote and watch the movie if only for the crappy and illogical opus in the middle of the movie. I swear, I can see that friggin clip over and over and it won’t get old because it’s so bad.

Ok. Storyline… as if it needed anything. The only thing with a shittier storyline would be low budget seventies porn including a pizza delivery guy passing by a shoe store owned by a thirty something cum drainer with the IQ of Reagan way past his senile years. A family moves to a new neighborhood. Mother, father, young teen boy, and annoying blonde sister. Something like Full House but even more gay, if that’s possible. The little girl wanders off to play with her bouncy, bouncy ball in the would-be spooky basement. For real, I’ve seen broom closets that scare me more. Her ball goes behind some washing machines or some bullshit, obviously she follows and she’s possessed by a Troll who got a bad batch of Botox since he has about three expressions. Limited budgets do that to animatronics, but shit, the doll can barely close its eyes. The Troll then goes around pricking people with his Captain Planet ring and they turn into a variety of plant creatures and you guessed it, different types of trolls. Julia Dreyfus is especially noteworthy since this serious role sucked so bad and made you laugh so hard that obviously she landed a spot in Seinfeld. To make matters better, the kid, check out his name for chrisakes, (JK Rowling, anyone), well he meets an old nasty bitch of a witch that doesn’t like him for the first thirty minutes of the movie but who suddenly cares for him deeply exactly the minute they changed script writers since the first one obviously had a peanut butter and opium OD. Long story short, the old lady bites it the kid saves the day and the troll is raped by Warwick Davis or something.

End result, a shitty horror film turned cult classic comedy thanks to hilarious gore tactics, an arthritis laden troll, a quasi douche bag kid who gets served by his sister, Sunny Bono playing a gigolo, Julia Dreyfus dressed as a fairy, a magnus opus for no reason whatsoever except to make you question your very faith, and you have yet another bullshit guilty pleasure movie you have to watch at least twice to believe you didn’t dream this shit up. So by all means, enjoy the wreckage and when in doubt….

Di da di da di … Di da di da di … TROOOOOLLLLLLLL

Originally posted on 11/3/06

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ha! This flick is one of my guilty pleasures, too. It's wonderfully awful. BTW, the kid is played by the guy who starred in the first Neverending Story.

joker said...

and the name of that character is none other than....... Harry Potter. you have to love this shit.

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