10. Your TIVO
Insomnia, obesity, muscle atrophy, viscuos fat filled blood, purple baggy eyes, and a 20% rise in divorce rates are thanks to TIVO. Don’t look for another culprit, there isn’t any.
9. Taco Bell
Fuck the Curse of Montezuma, these fuckers would kill you WITHOUT kindness. Not to mention the heightened levels of sodium in customers’ blood flow, their products were tainted with a lot more than love. Yo NO quiero taco bell.
8. Watching the View
You became dumber. Period.
7. Work
Always in every list, work shall always be hazardous to health ESPECIALLY if you work in advertising. Remedies are still being looked for but no luck thus far except taking shrooms, smoking weed, and living the hermit life with a llama named Wally.
6. Being insured
With All State you’re in good hands… good hands that choke you, slap you in the face, give you the finger and mimic the letter ‘W’ when you say it’s unfair that you weren’t really covered when hurricanes hit the year before.
5. Having sex with the Burger King
He can give you ecoli, salmonella or herpes. Not to mention giving you thigh chafe from face fucking that plastic head. The fucker fascinates and frightens me all in one unspoken sentence. Him being mute screws with my head too. What I wouldn't give to see him and the Hamburglar square off in the Octagon.
4. Spinach
Popeye is fucked and people with a leafy obsession will have to bear being laughed at by the 90 year old chronic smoker who lives on a diet of pork fat, screw top wine and Tums.
3. Carrot juice
Higher on the list than spinach for sheer risk factor. A tainted batch of carrot juice was causing irreparable paralysis or death. Sorry, but I’d rather a hefty case of dysentery than those options. Something tells me Carrot Top jizzed in a big vat of juice.
2. Flu vaccine
Mimicking the 70’s and other times in World history, more people die from the vaccine for the ailment than from the ailment. Just another way pharmaceuticals try to get money and show they have no conscience in regards to the populace. First Swine Flu Vaccines, now Bird Flu Vaccines and pretty soon, Red Walrus Penis Flu Vaccines. WTF?
1. Nintendo Wii Remote
Not only did Nintendo make a system that seems to be genuinely poised to fuck over the competition, they also made the remote sturdy enough to kill people through blunt trauma. Quality people, you have to love it.
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