Aug 4, 2009

A Samurai Seller victim

Not to come off as homoerotic or anything, but Joker, you’ve brought me to me knees. Your Samurai Seller series has forced me to come clean and admit that on multiple occasions I have given in to the sneaky ways of Samurai Sellers.

Though I have been watching late night infomercials since my vodka-fueled college days, the surrender to direct-response’s seduction began, oddly enough, when I got married. I guess it’s because these “programs” just so happen to offer what every married couple needs to make domestic bliss that much more convenient.

It all started out innocently enough with the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Grilling Machine, BEFORE it became readily available at your local Sears/Bed Bath & Beyond. There he was, the champ with his laughable enthusiasm, hawking this miraculous thingamajig that cooks just about anything in minutes, easy to clean, requires no special installation of kitchen remodeling to accommodate. For just $29.95? Shit, get two!




The purchase process was so pleasant, and delivery so quick, that we were hooked.
Several years later, after which any growing family accumulates lots of stuff, we bought the Space Bags, special plastic storage bags that triple your storage space. All you have to do is suck all the air out with your vacuum cleaner and voilá – your shit is stored away without taking up space.



Of course, safety is a must for any budding family… and this is where the power of Billy Mays and his Black Beard of Paycheck Death did us in. The only thing better for hands-free driving than BlueTooth technology is Mays’ Jupiter Jack, a simple device that turns your car’s stereo system into one giant speaker phone. Just plug in you cell and talk all you want with crystal clarity, while keeping complete focus on the road. Genius!



After that, my mother-in-law (of all people!!!) duped us into getting what has been, hands-down, the BEST infomercial purchase ever. I’m talking about the Flavor Wave Oven, as sold by Clubber Lang himself, Mr. T!!! This thing is beyond belief. It’s like a microwave-hotplate-convection mash-up that cooks EVERYTHING to perfection, from steaks and vegetables to fish and cupcakes and everything in between, in MINUTES!!! It doesn’t matter if the food is frozen – just throw it in, wait a few minutes, and enjoy. I don’t know how it does it, but it gets the job done. People, I’m not kidding, if you don’t like to cook but love to eat great tasting food, this thing is it… for just three easy payments of $39.95, plus shipping and handling.



So Joker, you’re right, these guys are awesome at what they do because they accomplish what no catchy or witty headline can do – they deliver results; they drive people to purchase things than can easily live without, though I am beginning to seriously question if I can live my life without the Mr. T’s 3-heat oven.

7 comments:

Me said...

Res my man! WHAT? You actually are the first dude that I know of who actually has bought anything "as seen on tv".

Shit dude, I'm going to your crib and testing out the Mr T thing. That one I gotta see in person.

Me said...

Um. I have to ask a question, though. My ex-husband bought the Grill. Does that make me an infomercial buyer? You know, it's like when you are married to one sap who has bad credit and you don't it gets transferred to you as well?

Anyway, I hated it. Yeah, it cooks nice and soft but cleaning it is a mess. I prefer BBQ.

RestrictionsApply said...

The George Foreman grill is a thing of the past ever since the Mr.T oven came around. THis shit is real. I'll give you a test drive next time we do TV at the house.

And let me assure you, there is nothing wrong with being an infomercial buyer...

Me said...

I always stop myself before I get the phone. That's how I've survived.

But I still cannot go to a Walgreens and contain my shopping. Go figure.

Jake P. said...

My wife has bought a couple of things, including the Infinite Dress (which can be worn in like 50 different configurations) and one of those ab crunchers (right after having our second child). The real value in them came from the never-ending amount of shit I can give her for having made those purchases.

On a side note, I saw a Billy M video last night that I hadn't seen before, the Tool Band-It. I'm tempted!

RestrictionsApply said...

Go for it, Jake!

Joker said...

I've luckilly strayed from the path of the infomercial purchase... but I can't help but watch these long adverts because they're so oldschool tacky, that they're actually entertaining. Actually, I didn't buy it but I have used the Juiceman and I actually do enjoy it a lot, though I do think a lot of fruit goes to waste just to get 6 or so ounces of healthy goodness. As for the Mr. T Flavor wave, dude I was going to write about that one, but now I want to try it and give a different take on it. I've heard a variety of reviews and many negative. to see someone I know rave about it blows me the fuck away. Very glad you enjoyed the series though, I was thinking about doing the honorary mentions before doing a simulated fight or tournamente a la Dragon Ball Z to determine the greatest seller.

We'll see if I get motivated to do so.

Me, take pictures when you use that sucker though :)

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