Not to come off as homoerotic or anything, but Joker, you’ve brought me to me knees. Your Samurai Seller series has forced me to come clean and admit that on multiple occasions I have given in to the sneaky ways of Samurai Sellers.
Though I have been watching late night infomercials since my vodka-fueled college days, the surrender to direct-response’s seduction began, oddly enough, when I got married. I guess it’s because these “programs” just so happen to offer what every married couple needs to make domestic bliss that much more convenient.
It all started out innocently enough with the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Grilling Machine, BEFORE it became readily available at your local Sears/Bed Bath & Beyond. There he was, the champ with his laughable enthusiasm, hawking this miraculous thingamajig that cooks just about anything in minutes, easy to clean, requires no special installation of kitchen remodeling to accommodate. For just $29.95? Shit, get two!
The purchase process was so pleasant, and delivery so quick, that we were hooked.
Several years later, after which any growing family accumulates lots of stuff, we bought the Space Bags, special plastic storage bags that triple your storage space. All you have to do is suck all the air out with your vacuum cleaner and voilá – your shit is stored away without taking up space.
Of course, safety is a must for any budding family… and this is where the power of Billy Mays and his Black Beard of Paycheck Death did us in. The only thing better for hands-free driving than BlueTooth technology is Mays’ Jupiter Jack, a simple device that turns your car’s stereo system into one giant speaker phone. Just plug in you cell and talk all you want with crystal clarity, while keeping complete focus on the road. Genius!
After that, my mother-in-law (of all people!!!) duped us into getting what has been, hands-down, the BEST infomercial purchase ever. I’m talking about the Flavor Wave Oven, as sold by Clubber Lang himself, Mr. T!!! This thing is beyond belief. It’s like a microwave-hotplate-convection mash-up that cooks EVERYTHING to perfection, from steaks and vegetables to fish and cupcakes and everything in between, in MINUTES!!! It doesn’t matter if the food is frozen – just throw it in, wait a few minutes, and enjoy. I don’t know how it does it, but it gets the job done. People, I’m not kidding, if you don’t like to cook but love to eat great tasting food, this thing is it… for just three easy payments of $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
So Joker, you’re right, these guys are awesome at what they do because they accomplish what no catchy or witty headline can do – they deliver results; they drive people to purchase things than can easily live without, though I am beginning to seriously question if I can live my life without the Mr. T’s 3-heat oven.